From the outside looking In...

Short Term Memory Loss

2012-01-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

So I wish that I could say that she turned to me, gasped, bowed to her date, and she and I went skipping off into the sunset. Nope. Quite the contrary. Sarah pretty much disappeared for the next three weeks.

For three weeks I looked. For three weeks I watched. For three weeks I would look out the window every single time I walked past in hopes that she might be outside, might be getting into her car. Did I see her? Nope. Not once. Did I even see her car in the parking lot? Nope. She pretty much fell off the face of the planet.

Well, the 3rd of July came around. I was walking along the street, enjoying the festivities like most when there she was, sitting on a blanket, strumming a guitar. Love at first sight? No, not exactly. Was I intrigued however? You betcha.

We talked, we laughed, and I said goodnight. I didn't want to press her. I took a risk. She disappeared for three weeks. I put a hope out there that she wouldn't again for the next three...

...I saw her the very next day... and the day after that... and the day after that...

Chapter 2 - Blind Date

2012-01-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

Sarah and I met when she was being picked up for a blind date.

It was late June and I had just returned from a blasting fun trip to Lake Powell. We were having a ward party in our back parking area. I ran inside as I saw a nice BMW pull into the parking lot, and happened to see that University Parking was on the poor chap's heels; unbeknown to Mr. BMW.

As I came back out my roommate was discussing with University Parking about the need of them booting this guy's car so quickly. Mr. BMW had quite literally run into my neighbor's home for five minutes and was walking back out with a girl to this situation.

The first thing I notice is the girl. To say that she was stunning would be quite the understatement. I asked myself two questions: "Where have you been hiding, under a stupid rock or something?" and "Why are you not on a date with me?!"

My roommate and I did a pretty good job of contesting the validity of this parking boot. After several minutes and a hefty gathering of an audience, we failed. But... I met Sarah for the first time.

And it was all worth it...

Chapter 1

2012-01-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, yeah I know, I haven't written on here in well... nearly six months... (wow... has it really been that long?) I'm sitting here in my English 316 class and my teacher spends 85% of the time talking politics so I thought that I'd make this "English Class" productive and write english.

He just made the comment, "In the real world of work it doesn't matter how far you move the ball. It only matters that you score." Basically meaning, no one will notice or care if you do the typical, mundane, routine requirements of your job. So look for ways to score. Look for ways to distinguish yourself. Look for ways to impress. Pretty sound advice.

Anyway, I thought I'd take this time to write about one of the most important things that has happened in my life: my meeting, courting, and engagement to Sarah. I won't drone on. Short posts are so much more powerful than long.

Summer of 2011.

A bustling college town.

A blue-eyed, skin-tanned boy and a brown-eyed, pious girl.

Therefore, thy Confidence

2011-09-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

Labor Day.

Strange name for a day that such a few number of people in America "labor." I suppose it is the antithesis of the fact, a day to rest from our labors. On this "day of rest" I have spent all morning studying and laboring for revelation, heavenly sent. The past week I felt that I had been weighed, I had been measured, and I had been found to be wanting.

The first week of school has already taken me nearly to that breaking point. I, like so many others, found myself exclaiming after five measly days of school, "I am in dire need of this three-day weekend." But why, why was it so simple to tax me beyond what I thought myself capable? The answer to that quandary has left me searching my soul this labor-less day.

One greater than myself has stumbled and lost sure footing when times became difficult. Travailing along in the storm of life where the seas tossed and turned he cast his eyes about and let the ominous uncertainties take away his faith. I too lost sight of the goal and let my faith deviate from the true source. I felt that One to ask of me, with His hand always extended, "Wherefore didst thou doubt?"

Thus, I find myself wrestling for knowledge on this Labor Day. Textbooks sit piled up next to me with an even more ominous beck and call to be split and studied. However, when the day is done and I look back on these precious morning hours spent laboring for knowledge, I know that I will say I sought the greater study.

Labor Day, the day I labored for my soul. And was all the better because of it.

- J

Here's lookin' at you kid.

2011-08-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

School starts in less than two days and I find myself vastly unready. Where did those Summer days go? What happened to adventures in the mountains and escapades in far distant lands? I find that there is a small voice that reminds me, "Spent and gone Joshua, spent and gone."

Looking back on this Summer now closing, I find that my head bows in gratitude. In 50 words or less:

A new job and internship. Adventures to Lake Powell and the Caribbean. Skipping about in a new car. Seeing, laughing, talking, adventuring, and loving every minute of my blessed life with Sarah.

32 words... seems an injustice to the majesty that has been this Summer.

In anxious excitement I proceed forward towards a new school year. Early morning team practice, difficult classes, and hours of work await me, I am sure. Again I hear that small voice saying, "Fear not. Come what may and love it." So I shall do just that, come what may and I will love it. Best of luck to you, whoever you are, reading these my words. Godspeed.

- Joshua

You Pull me Closer to Love

2011-07-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time that someone asked me, "Which is better: to have loved and lost? or to have never loved at all?" I remember that at the time I was so hopelessly lost in the heart of another that I haphazardly leapt to say 'to have loved and lost." I was a fool, giddy and completely blind to a reality of pain that existed in this frame of existence.

I do not recall if it was that same person that asked me that question a few months later but things were different then. A few months later found me naked and cold on the romantic streets, beaten black and blue. Nonetheless, ask they did, "Which is better: to have loved and lost? or to have never loved at all?" Between clenched teeth I swore it was still 'to have loved and lost.' Red in the eyes and exhausted to the core I gathered my wounded heart and left them to ponder on my frail conviction.

Which is better: to have loved and lost? or to have never loved at all?

Many relationships later and a few more pieces of shattered heart lain strewn about, I would still echo that giddy fool.

Love transforms us into Gods. Love given teaches charity and patience. Love received teaches us hope and faith. However, true wisdom comes in the form of love lost. Love lost yields the most precious fruits. It teaches of the Atonement, it teaches of the Savior and His sacrifice for all. It brings us to a pedestal of humility and pain; one on which greater men than us have suffered and bled for all. Love lost brings us to our knees... to a sacred place... to commune with deity.

Which is better: to have loved and lost? or to have never loved at all?

Again... to have loved and lost...

And thusly so I find myself pushing forward... forward toward an uncertainty that terrifies my trembling heart. Yet onward I will go, faltering yet still believing... into the darkness and silence, in hopes that someday... somewhere... someone... will meet me in the light.

Let it out and move on

2011-05-31T22:09:00.001-07:00

For months now I have felt a writer's block of sorts. I've felt that yearning within me to write, to exposit feelings to print. Often, so very often I would log onto Blogger and start to write. More often than not words seemed to come out through a mental cheese grater; nasty, stringy and just plain silly looking. I think I doubled the number of drafts in my little Blogger stockpile.

So here I am again, hoping that this mental swiss cheese will fade. I've decided that I will grieve it out, that I will word vomit until it's word magic. Bear with me. This could get a little messy.

Well here are some recent thoughts and happenings:

- Car shopping = pain in the rear end, wish it would conclude and wish I could just find a good deal.
- New job is wonderful. I feel so legit when I tell people. It feels good to feel significant.
- I met someone this last Sunday. I find that I can't get her smile out of my head these past few days.

Alright, it's late. I'll write more substantial fluff tomorrow. I've really got to get over this writer's block. I miss the sanctuary that is exposition.

Superman

2011-04-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget when one of my closest friends called me up ten months ago and told me that his fiancee had canceled their engagement not quite a month before their wedding day. I can still remember the agony and pain in his voice as he told me he was driving home. The day before he was just talking to me about some of his plans for the Summer before he would head home and the next day he instantly decided to leave.

I don't blame him. I would have done the very same thing. Though I think that I would have quickly left The Burg shortly after arriving. Just long enough to clear out my tear ducts and run away again.

Well, ten long months later it has been my joy to watch him finally letting go of those memories of pain. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see him happy again, to see him euphoric when a certain girl walks in the door. It almost seems surreal. I thank God for his persistence and for her, the girl that has finally pulled him from the despair.

Winter Song

2011-04-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Snow falls to the ground
not making a sound
twirling and twisting
to land so lightly...

Am I dreaming or is this all but a lie? These past several months have felt so detached from life. Was it the weather or was it school? Could it have been my work schedule gone awry? Perhaps the answer is found in my dancing drama; the combo of concert, changing partners, and try-outs? Willingly I admit that a shred of insanity has been to the credit of my avaricious landlords. But there is something more, deeper to explain this aversion to revelry.

...snow dances across the sky
looking like angels that cry
because of pain and loss
that we feel...

I'm quite certain that my mother would attribute my delirium to the weather. She is one that is so heavily affected by gray skies and snow. As a youth I could quite nearly guess the weather based upon my mother's countenance. Closely followed with that connection was temperature but temperature usually brought things closer in resemblance of scowls. As for myself however, I do not follow that susceptibility to the "winter blues."

...snow lashes out with pain
never turning into rain
this can be the end of life
to everyone...

There is a ringing within my ears of a time a year ago that felt much like this... a phantom of myself... though unfortunately I do not recall the cure that I found then. I suppose I should have written it down.... this is where my mother would be wagging her finger at me saying something about journal keeping.

...snow stops falling
we all come to it's calling
wanting us to come to it
to share it's joy...

I need to wake up...

A few nights ago I went to bed early. Laying there staring at the ceiling I found that sleep would not come. I must have rolled a hole into my mattress as I flipped back and forth urging my mind to hibernate. After the better part of an hour my roommate crept into the room. He softly prepped for bed and I just listened, feigning sleep.

He crawled into bed after praying and tossed and turned for a few minutes. I rolled towards the wall and stared at the slit of light projected there. Seconds turned to minutes and not long later my roommate's breathing grew deep as he drifted off to another world. Envious I sat up and leaned against the wall.

Vision blurry and dark I caught the movement of something passing through the light from outside. I turned and drew the blinds, bathing the room in streetlight. Flakes of white drifted past my window. The silent and deafening snow seemed to dance past my gaze, mocking my desolate mood.

And yet... it felt so perfect. The cold, calm quiet that accompanied these icy dancing figurines... the yellow streetlight their lighting, the damp vacant road their stage. Empty, yet full. A quiet serenade to a broken and confused heart. It sang to me and I listened, listened with all I had that night, listened as a tear rolled down my cheek and I knew that I would eventually be alright.

...snow is there
for every tear
we all go through
that we all need to forget.

My Life in Ruins

2011-02-08T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today has been... fascinating.

7:30 ...Wake up...

Things started with getting up early to study in 3 Nephi, the Savior's ministry to the America's. I find that early morning communion is the best medicine for tough times.

8:00 ...Hot cereal...

Sitting there eating my Maple Brown sugar oatmeal I listened to my roommates joke and laugh and I couldn't help but smile. I am seriously so blessed to live in this house.

8:53 ...Homework...

I have a Physics 220 test coming up this week. Am I worried? Not really. Should I be? Yep! But I'm at peace. As I was studying about relativity of simultaneity I came upon an epiphany about the character of light. I love love love love being able to turn to my roommate Bryan and discuss such things. We talked for a good half-hour about light, Relativity, Newtonian Mechanics and the such.

9:47 ...Email from... a certain girl...

I've been emailing someone lately. She's wonderful. She makes me laugh and smile... a lot. That's all I'm going to say about that.

10:26 ...A jolly game with Clark...

I seriously have the best roommates in the world. Clark and I played a game and just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm sorry to everyone else out there, but I have simply the best roommates. We never fight. We work together. We support one another in everything. We fight each other's battles when we haven't the strength any longer. We are brothers, unbreakable.

11:10 ...Drive up to Lindon for dance lesson...

My dance partner Megan is awesome. Frankly, she's better than I am and for some reason she want's to dance with me. We dance well together, like really well. We just click. It's strange.

11:30 ...Dance lesson...

Michael Johnson is fantastic. He's genuine, he's kind, he's everything I need in a coach. I did a figure incorrectly a couple of times in a row and he pinched me. I laughed pretty hard. At one point he turned to me and said, "Josh, what's with the black and blue? It's like someone beat you up..." I looked at Megan in dance frame and said, "Oh, if you only knew the truth Michael..." Megan and I laughed pretty hard at that.

I'm proud of Megan and I. We've learned two brand new routines and solidified them in a week's time. Our goal? To win. 'Nuff said.

1:17 ...In n Out...

I was hungry and thought going out to lunch would be great. In n Out sounded spectacular. Walking into In n Out I noticed a man to my right that looked suspicious. As we got closer he said ever so softly, "Could you spare a little change?" Megan didn't hear so I just kept going on in. I felt a touch guilty. Ordering my food the man next to me stepped in and said, "Actually, that burger we're getting for the fella outside, could you stick it in a bag?" I finished ordering and just stood there thinking about this man's benevolence.

He turned to me and said, "Getting the guy outside a burger. He probably wants some whiskey but he's getting the burger. I probably wouldn't have done it but my wife has a big heart" as he gestured back towards a woman sitting. We talked after that. He confessed that he was once an alcoholic and drug addict. He spoke of his experiences with drugs. He started talking about his activity in the church. "They always give me the guys they know are struggling. I just go in there and be their friend man. I've brought a few back in my time. Recently the Elder's Quorum president came up to me and asked how I did it. 'Did you teach some powerful lesson or something?' 'Ah H*ll no! I didn't go in there and teach no d*mn lesson. I went in there with a beer and a pack of cigarettes. I was their friend first!'" I laughed really hard and just chatted with this man. I didn't hear his full name and I'm not even sure if his first name is Jack, but today he was my messenger. He asked me about my mission and introduced me to his entire family; Lineaa his wife, Jessica his daughter, and Olivia the cutest 14 month old little girl with the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. I thanked him as my food was called and walked away.

Sitting there eating with Megan I hear my name called. I turn around and he waves me over. He tells me about his last Valentine's Day and what he did for his wife. He said that I should do the same for my date sitting across the way, Megan. :) After we left, driving away Megan and I laughed as I told her. I appreciated his sheer kindness and spirit that seemed to just radiate from him.

2:10 ...another email from a girl. This time my sister Katie...

I don't keep many emails but this one will be printed and stuck in my "Book of Unforgettable Things." Katie said all the right things. She knows me well enough and is in tune to know exactly what I needed to hear.

It's currently 2:56. I'm excited to see what else will happen this day. I know of one other thing this evening that I am sure will find me blogging soon. That is if I can work up the nerve to talk to her. :S

Something other than lyrics

2011-02-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

So I was blog-stalking just now and I realized that I have pretty much nothing interesting to read on my blog. Okay sure, you could go two posts back and find my heartfelt, love sick note to A but besides that this blog is really lacking in substance. I have no clever witticisms (Ooooh baby! I didn't even know that was a word. I just hoped it was), I have no "side-splitting, knee-slapping, gut-busting" funny stories, "I ain't got beans!" I'm gonna see if I can't work on this a little bit.

Quick question for those of you that actually follow, do any of you have a love of the band U2? I have two tickets to see their concert in May and I'm kinda single all of a sudden..... just sayin....

The sun will come out

2011-02-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

The power of love is a curious thing
make a one man weep, make another man sing
Change a hawk to a little white dove
more than a feeling that's the power of love

Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream
make a bad one good make a wrong one right
power of love that keeps you home at night

First time you feel it, it might make you sad
Next time you feel it it might make you mad
But you'll be glad baby when you've found
that's the power makes the world go'round

You don't need money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes
but it might just save your life
That's the power of love
That's the power of love

In the immortal words of my dear friend named Moses, "Ya just gotta keep on keepin on."

These days are days to be heard, not read

2011-02-03T19:41:00.000-08:00

You're in control, is there anywhere you wanna go?

You're in control, is there anything you wanna know?

The future's for discovering

The space in which we're travelling

From the top of the first page

To the end of the last day

From the start in your own way

You just want somebody listening to what you say

It doesn't matter who you are

Under the surface trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in you
I need a compass, draw me a map
I'm on the top, I can't get back

Whoa whoa

The first line on the first page
To the end of the last page
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

You just want
Somebody listening to what you say
Oh, you just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

Is there anybody out there who

Is lost and hurt and lonely too

Are they bleeding all your colours into one?

And if you come undone

As if you've been run through

Some catapult it fired you

You wonder if your chance will ever come

Or if you're stuck in square one

...Chris Martin, I hear ya...

I don't know how

2011-02-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

...I'm saying so...

Any advice?

2011-01-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

So I just went to my first training session for working up in Alaska yesterday (Saturday). Honestly, it was really really long and tiring. I was super tired so that didn't help too much. It was interesting at times and boring at others. You get the idea, nothing different than any other job training. Well, while I was there something was giving me this weird feeling that I have yet to define. Perhaps it was a feeling that maybe it wasn't the right thing to do? Perhaps it was nerves? I simply don't know.

So basically here are my thoughts:

Alaska.
- Great country.
- New Experience.
- More money.
- Adventures.
- Change of scenery.

Staying in Provo.
- Alllllll of my friends are here.
- Pretty good paying job. Not too different in price.
- My Top Dudes are staying here, my Besties.
- Don't have to try and sell my contract.
- Pell grant and new smart grant will kick through and make up difference in jobs.
- Flexibility. (My parents want to go on a cruise.... uh, yes?)
- I could take some courses so my next semesters weren't so hard.
- And... I'd be only kidding myself if I didn't say that I'd really miss her. Annie.

So. I don't know what to do anymore. For some weird reason, yesterday at orientation it suddenly started to feel wrong. Thoughts?

Hellas, what have you done to yourself?

2011-01-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

I recently had a mission friend send me a link to a column talking about Greece and it's economic situation. The link is not straight up from The New York Times, it's from Vanity Fair, but the truth is the information isn't embroidered or embellished. The journal is penned by Michael Lewis who is a non-fiction author and financial journalist. Here's his column:

Beware of Greeks Bearing Bonds

Serving a mission for the LDS church back in Oct '05 - Oct '07I was able to just taste a littleofwhat Mr. Lewis is referencing. As missionaries we always noticed the apathetic work ethic andflagrant business dealings but we never could detect the corruption that ran deeper through the government. I believe we all surmised it's existence but being religious adherents, barely out of our teens, we had no means of proving our assumptions.

I feel that Michael Lewis handles the "facts of life" well enough that the Greeks do not need me also throwing mud. My only addition will be this...

"Ελλάδα, γη της καρδιάς μου, τόσο μακριά έχετε πέσει. Γιατί να μην έχετε δει το σφάλμα των τρόπων σας;"

At a later time

2011-01-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

The song in my head...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Because I need you... that's why

2011-01-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

So this is what I'm leaving Provo for, these multi-colored buildings and snowcapped mountains. Green forests of pine will be my backyard; bears, wolves, and eagles my neighbors.

It pays well. It's gorgeous. I love the outdoors. I love mountains, forests, and the ocean. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

...yet why does something within me suddenly plead not to go...?

At the setting of your skies

2011-01-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

hap•py adj \'ha-pê\

1. Favored by luck or fortune: fortunate {a happy coincidence}

2. Enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment {is the happiest person I know}

Seriously, so blessed!

2010-12-15T08:05:00.000-08:00

I don't often write about religious things, but...

I can't say enough how blessed I feel these past few days. I was thinking to myself that I was so lucky and the thought came to my mind, "Isn't that sort of like taking God out of the picture?"

Luck vs. Blessings

Lately I feel like the world has sought to do the same thing with Christmas, taking Christ out of the picture. "Merry X-mas," "Happy Holidays," etc. I wonder if it is simply an attempt at appeasing more perspectives, an attempt at being more "politically correct." I say "Baa! Humbug!" What's so political about ambiguity anyways? (Actually now that I say that, EVERYTHING!) What's so "correct" about shading over what we believe in?

I am a religious man. I will not shrink to say that I worship God and know of the existence of our Savior. This Christmas I declare He lives. He sacrificed all. He gave all. He did it all. So let us remember this: Merry Christmas! Let us celebrate Christmas for what is in the name, Christ. Seriously, we are so blessed! Luck has nothing to do with it.

May we be like unto the repentant Scrooge. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens "It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless us, every one!"

Merry Christmas!

-- J

Finals

2010-12-06T19:33:00.001-08:00

Yeah... the Marine Corps is sounding pretty darn good right about now... darn college calculus...

Fix You

2010-12-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

It's late. But I can't sleep. I have all these questions running through my head. I have all these choices to make. I have so many things to figure out. I simply don't know how to make the decisions that are pressing me.

The Weepies have been my lullaby on repeat for the past hour. One song. Over and over. Cleansing my soul and telling me everything will be okay.

Woke up and wished that I was dead

With an aching in my head

I lay motionless in bed

I thought of you and where you'd gone

and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone

And the world spins madly on.

"Tis torture, and not mercy.

Heaven is here Where Juliet lives,

and every cat and dog And little mouse,

every unworthy thing, Live here in heaven

and may look on her, But Romeo may not."

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 3.3

Catching Butterflies

2010-12-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

Lately I've found myself thinking in riddles, in analogies and parables. Why? Perhaps it's out of fear. Maybe uncertainty. Perchance it is for a hope that I do not wish to be squandered by opinion and thought.

I've always had a soft spot for riddles, games with a hidden ending outside normal boundaries. Today, this one shall be no different...

Lately I've been reading a very good book.
As I turned the pages I felt a resonance
from within. A memory of a time that I stood
wishing. A harmonic of heart strings was
heard, playing the same tune. A wish for
myself to find what was never given.

Pgs. 175-176

Seemed as though I were reading my dreams...

Hide and Seek

2010-11-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

Calculus test finished. Week finished. Holiday eminent. I can practically smell the turkey roasting in the oven. Mmmmm!!

My holiday consists of these things:

- Me, my sister Megan, and my parents up at the family cabin. Also my Uncle John, Aunt Shelly, and their four little girls: McKenna, Kasey, Lexi, and Tessa. Grandpa and Grandma.

- Plans are to play with the cousins (even if they are all girls under the age of 13) :)

- Spend time with Megs

- Throw as many snowballs as possible

- Eat till I'm stuffed

- Read for pleasure

- Go on some crazy adventure with my Uncle that will probably consist of us risking our lives and us not telling our mothers or his wife. :D

I am excited. A lot. Beyond all reason. Yet... I find that there is a part of me torn. There is a voice within that wishes to stay in Utah.... : j

Life is wonderful. More on that later. My only wish and request is that everyone drive safely this week. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

- j

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

2010-11-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

I feel that life is often a resistance test. How far can we bend? How long can we go? How many times can we be broken? I think we push ourselves to the bitter edge of shattering.

Just one more lap....

...I only need three hours of sleep. ..

...It's only a flesh wound... I've had worse...

We often hear the motto, "Why do we fall down? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." I've thought so very often, "This time, this time I won't get back up. I've got nothing left to give. I'm irreparably broken. I have no more strength." And in that moment of internal failure I find a strength beyond my own. I find my faculties pull from something outside, something that is not my own. And I ask myself, "Why? Why can I not just stay down? Just give up..."

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us..."

I think of a poem by Rudyard Kipling called If. I suggest a reading of it in its entirety but let me share with you a few of my favorite sections:

...If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

...If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

I feel that is the real test of a man, to get back up, "to learn to pick ourselves back up" when our very hearts are broken. May all of us continue to pick ourselves back up.

To all my friends, Godspeed...

- J

letters to crushes

2010-11-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

girl,

i look for you everywhere i go, but hide when i see you. i wish i weren't so scared to talk to you all the time. i think i disguise it pretty well. seeing you yesterday my heart nearly lept from my chest.

- j

m, you convinced me. :)p

Pigeons in my thoughts

2010-11-17T15:49:00.000-08:00

**WARNING**
*THIS MAY BE SLIGHTLY INAPPROPRIATE*

So my thoughts after writing that are that everyone will read the rest of this post so I had darn well better make it a good one. Well, here goes, the warning still applies...

I found my favorite bathroom on campus today. I was at work and I needed to use the restroom so I had another officer come over and break me. I walked casually over to the McDonald building; I was in no rush. Strolling into the bathroom I walked into a stall atthe wall. I noticed that there was a window there! Yep, a window, right next to the "porcelain throne." I looked at it... looked at the window... then I pulled the blinds open.

I stood there looking out over campus staring at people walking by. I waved at a few people. No one seemed to notice. I concluded that they couldn't see me, so I took a seat. Watching the sun set on the mountains I thought, "Well this is certainly a new experience." Suddenly a pigeon came and landed on the window. "Aggh! Pervert!" I thought to myself. He did his little pace around in a circle, eyes moving every which way. He (I'm assuming it was a 'he') then did a nice little move that resembled a rondé-kick-swivel from ballroom, released some dejecta and flew away. I thought, "How very ironic..."

Lights that pierce your heart

2010-11-15T16:11:00.001-08:00

So I'm currently sitting in the police squad car taking a break from the regular shift duties and I thought I'd take a second to leave a few thoughts here. I'm sitting on a hill side watching the sunset. These winter sunsets are some of my favorites. Clouds add so much color and they are always to prevalent in the winter months when it storms. I often feel that nice sunsets in the winter are like Nature's way of saying, "Don't worry. Heat and sunshine do still exist."

...it sure looks nice up here... it glances across the lake just perfectly to cause one to stop and stare... Utah has some great sunsets...

As I was driving up here to take a short break I came to a stop light and watched as this father walked across the cross walk with his two children. His son was scampering about like a little duckling and his little girl had her hand securely clasped in Dad's. A big car pulled to a stop just next to the cross walk and the father turned his head ever so slowly and looked at the driver almost as if to say, "Are you gonna make me go all 'Father-goose' on you?" For a brief second I could almost see him as that goose with his feathers ruffled and chest puffed. It made me smile as his "little duckling" of a boy ran circles around him, completely clueless of the large white "beast" of a car inches away.

....well, goodbye sunset. It's time to get back to work....

What to do....

2010-11-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm a guy but I still love some of those artists that girls love. One such artist is Ingrid Michaelson. I will forever give her props for having some of the best lyrics. Here are some of those such lyrics:

They say you're really not somebody, until somebody else loves you.

Well I am waiting to make somebody somebody soon.

Are we there yet?

Cuz this is too much for me to hold

And are we there yet?

Home, Home, Home.

Are we there?

Could I please be like her? Could I please not care and not know that I'm not somebody till somebody else loves me? Please?

....that's all....

"It might have been!"

2010-11-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

Maud Miller

MAUD MULLER, on a summer's day,

Raked the meadow sweet with hay.

Beneath her torn hat glowed the wealth

Of simple beauty and rustic health.

Singing, she wrought, and her merry glee

The mock-bird echoed from his tree.

But when she glanced to the far-off town,

White from its hill-slope looking down,

The sweet song died, and a vague unrest

And a nameless longing filled her breast,

A wish, that she hardly dared to own,

For something better than she had known.

The Judge rode slowly down the lane,

Smoothing his horse's chestnut mane.

He drew his bridle in the shade

Of the apple-trees, to greet the maid,

And ask a draught from the spring that flowed

Through the meadow across the road.

She stooped where the cool spring bubbled up,

And filled for him her small tin cup,

And blushed as she gave it, looking down

On her feet so bare, and her tattered gown.

"Thanks!" said the Judge; "a sweeter draught

From a fairer hand was never quaffed."

He spoke of the grass and flowers and trees,

Of the singing birds and the humming bees;

Then talked of the haying, and wondered whether

The cloud in the west would bring foul weather.

And Maud forgot her brier-torn gown,

And her graceful ankles bare and brown;

And listened, while a pleased surprise

Looked from her long-lashed hazel eyes.

At last, like one who for delay

Seeks a vain excuse, he rode away.

Maud Muller looked and sighed: "Ah me!

That I the Judge's bride might be!

"He would dress me up in silks so fine,

And praise and toast me at his wine.

"My father should wear a broadcloth coat;

My brother should sail a painted boat.

"I'd dress my mother so grand and gay,

And the baby should have a new toy each day.

"And I'd feed the hungry and clothe the poor

And all should bless me who left our door."

The Judge looked back as he climbed the hill,

And saw Maud Muller standing still.

"A form more fair, a face more sweet

Ne'er hath it been my lot to meet.

"And her modest answer and graceful air

Show her wise and good as she is fair.

"Would she were mine, and I to-day,

Like her, a harvester of hay

"No doubtful balance of rights and wrongs,

Nor weary lawyers with endless tongues,

"But low of cattle and song of birds,

And health and quiet and loving words."

But he thought of his sisters, proud and cold,

And his mother, vain of her rank and gold.

So, closing his heart, the Judge rode on,

And Maud was left in the field alone.

But the lawyers smiled that afternoon,

When he hummed in court an old love-tune;

And the young girl mused beside the well,

Till the rain on the unraked clover,

He wedded a wife of richest dower,

Who lived for fashion, as he for power.

Yet oft, in his marble hearth's bright glow,

He watched a picture come and go

And sweet Maud Muller's hazel eyes

Looked out in their innocent surprise.

Oft, when the wine in his glass was red,

He longed for the wayside well instead;

And closed his eyes on his garnished rooms

To dream of meadows and clover-blooms.

And the proud man sighed, with a secret pain,

"Ah, that I were free again!

"Free as when I rode that day,

Where the barefoot maiden raked her hay."

She wedded a man unlearned and poor,

And many children played round her door.

But care and sorrow, and childbirth pain,

Left their traces on heart and brain.

And oft, when the summer sun shone hot

On the new-mown hay in the meadow lot,

And she heard the little spring brook fall

Over the roadside, through the wall;

In the shade of the apple-tree again

She saw a rider draw his rein.

And gazing down with timid grace

She felt his pleased eyes read her face.

Sometimes her narrow kitchen walls

Stretched away into stately halls;

The weary wheel to a spinnet turned,

The tallow candle an astral burned,

And for him who sat by the chimney lug,

Dozing and grumbling o'er pipe and mug,

A manly form at her side she saw,

And joy was duty and love was law.

Then she took up her burden of life again,

Saying only, "it might have been."

Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,

For rich repiner and household drudge!

God pity them both! and pity us all,

Who vainly the dreams of youth recall.

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

Ah, well! for us all some sweet hope lies

Deeply buried from human eyes;

And, in the hereafter, angels may

Roll the stone from its grave away!

-- John Greenleaf Whittier --

Ender Will Save us All

2010-11-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

Been listening to this song a lot lately. Feels... right somehow... that and I just LOVE Ender.

I started learning it yesterday. That darn Chris Carrabba is a freaking guitar monkey.

For your own enjoyment, here are the lyrics:

It's just like you to contest, you wear it like a label on your breast. Don't you see what this takes of me? A certain callousness complies with your charm and in your pride, a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it what I need? I want to give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you. It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped in you. There's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. We need a connection but you seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall. Well you don't mind me being headstrong. But you don't want to sing along. Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong. Try not to be wrong.

Letters to Juliet

2010-11-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Love-to-be,

I decided to be your everything today. I looked myself in the mirror and thought, "She wants that?! Pssh! She wants who I know I can become." I resolved to become someone more today. I will be that someone, Love-to-be. I will be your someone. I will be your everything... and you will be mine... that's all I've ever wanted.

Could we live a simple life Love-to-be? Could we be poor and eat Spaghetti-O's but feel like Kings and Queens sitting there at our card table? Could we plant an oak tree in our back yard, that our kids may have something to play under, to carve their initials in? Could we carve our initials in that tree when we're 80? Could I be your everything.... that's all I've ever wanted...

It's getting late now Love-to-be. I had best be off to bed.... I'll see you soon... lets meet in my dreams.... under that great oak tree...

Goodnight

- Your Joshua

Yes Please!!!!!

2010-11-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the library yesterday when I got a great idea. I've been doing all this dancing lately but I haven't really gotten a chance to use it for anything really worth while. Well... that's about to change...

Check it:
---Music Videos---

I'm thinking it's time I started a new blog. First post is in the works.

Heaven can wait...

2010-11-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

...Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want

We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life...

It's been a while since I've really written anything. It's been a bit of a roller-coaster these last few weeks to a month. Becoming single, taking midterms, applying to my major, being in a mini-musical, more midterms, muscular rehab, and dance performances. Let me highlight just a few of my favorite things these last few weeks...

Open Mic Night:

Capitol House + 200 people + 30 guitars + lights/speakers/stage = Awesome

Seriously. It was awesome. Some guys with some real talent, not to mention Clark and I played a few awesome duets of our own. "Can I be your memoryyyyyyy?!" That and Surreal came. I think my favorite part of that one was where he yelled, "Hey, I've got some props!" Then chucked out a single cigarette.

This may never start.

Tearing out my heart.

I'd be your memory.

Lost your sense of fear.

(I'd be your memory)

Feelings disappear.

Can I be your memory?

...Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight

Like this city is on fire tonight

This could really be a good life

A good, good life...

Murder Mystery:

23 People. Five film projects. Four tables. One murderer.

The best part was that Laura was the murderer! I'm still trying to figure out how on earth we were ever supposed to figure that out. She sure as heck duped most of us. I was thoroughly impressed with her ability to mask it. Sneaky little, brake line snipping, murderer.

Capitol guys sure looked good if I do say so myself.

...Hopelessly, I feel like there might be something that I'll miss

Hopelessly, I feel like the window closes oh so quick

Hopelessly, I'm taking a mental picture of you now

'Cuz hopelessly, the hope is we have so much to feel good about...

Halloween Dinner:

A haunted basement complete with gurgling pools of water and cobwebs, a feast fit for the undead, and seven crazy couples dressed to kill.

...This has gotta be the good life

This could really be a good life, good life...

Hercules, eat your heart out

2010-10-13T16:45:00.001-07:00

Okay, so Saturday while doing the Lindy in the Homecoming parade I had a bit of an accident. Actually, let me take it one step farther back. That morning I woke up and my neck felt like it had a kink in it. Not that big a deal, eh?

Anyways, parade. I do this lift with my partner for one of the poses in the Lindy. Well, one of the times my partner jumped on a bit too quickly. To keep her from kissing the ground I dove to catch her, in the process further agitating my neck/shoulder.

The rest of the day just infuriated my back muscles a little bit more. Ever single muscle from about my mid back and up are all in knots. I like to compare it to a picture. My back feels about like this guy looks! Just one solid hunk of muscle. :S

So I went in to the physical therapist today. Five days later. (I've never cared much for doctors). Alyssa, the assistant, started working on me when she says, "Woah! Come look at this." She's feeling around on my back and shoulders. A couple of other girls come over to look and they all react in kind. Apparently I've figured out how to dislodge my first rib up near the shoulder. Yay!

From there she worked me and worked me till I wanted to die. Then Ron came over. Ron's the main trainer. He then proceeded to maul me. Oh my back hurts. Round two is tomorrow. :(

I could teach you a thing or two!

2010-09-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so most of you kinda know a little of what's been happening in my life. Briefly in 50 words or less: broke up with girlfriend :( , got call that my Dad was in Hospital with blood clot in his lungs, cousin whom is 4+ months pregnant found lump in her breast, and now my Mom is going through some balance problems that may be neurologically related. (Boooya! Four words left).

Add to that school, work, dance, tests, and helping out with a mini-musical and I'm pretty much worn out.

When all of these things started hitting the fan, mere days apart, I kinda slacked on my studies. I went home to visit my family, I prayed a lot, I fasted a lot, and I just tried to survive. I struggled to pay attention to school. I struggled to figure out my relationships. (I'm sorry...) I just didn't do life well.

So yesterday I was supposed to take a test in Dynamics. (Yuck) Feeling like I just couldn't handle it I thought about asking my teacher for an extension to catch up, given my previous weeks of life.

I called him up and set up an appointment. I went to class and thought about it. I decided I'd just take the darn test and do the best I could. I called the teacher back up and briefly explained what I was looking to do "due to health problems in my family." I then told him that I was just going to take it.

His response? "Good. Cause we don't allow taking the test later. Byebye." *click*

I get it. I had already conceded to taking the test on time, but come on! Where's your humanity? I suppose I'm too soft of a person. I've been a teacher in a few situations, none of which were as professional as a professor. If a student had EVER come to me and expressed distress due to "health problems" in the family, I'd break. I'd ask him if everything was okay. I'd ask him if he was sure about taking the test. I suppose I'm just starting to feel like I don't go to a school so much as a machine that vomits out educated soldiers, strong and unbreakable. Meh! I guess that's what I get for going to a university with a huge student to teacher proportion.

I just wish they tried to show care for their students as human beings. Then there's the voice in the back of my head that is mocking me, "Oh, does Joshy-woshy want to go back to elementary school with Mr. Loving? Is college too hard for you? THAT'S LIFE! MAN UP!"

I am reminded of what my father's teacher told him while he was working on his PhD: "Sink or swim."

Life's like that

2010-09-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me a story about her father last night. I listened as she unfolded the last few years of his life that were so trying for her and her family. My heart broke for her. My own father's health is starting to waiver and I could only relate with a shred of comparison. Listening to her I could not help but wonder if I was as strong as she was. I saw in her a remarkable strength that I've seen in so few. A scripture comes to mind.

Alma 48:17

17 Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever, yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

My friend has a likeness of Moroni; strong, unmovable, faithful, courageous. I think of myself and wonder, am I anything like them?

I want to be. I believe God is making me to be.

"Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you..." - Edmund Dantes

The World Spins Madly On

2010-09-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

"I woke up and wished that I was dead,
With an achin in my head,
Lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on."

I think I've listened to this song nine times this morning. Never has a song seemed to be the perfect semblance for a soundtrack of my life.

Dear Life,
If it's not too much to ask...

...could you take it easy on me this week?

And if I could be so greedy as to ask... could you go easy on my family and... on... one other person...?

Please....

- Josh

Heart Strings

2010-09-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't emptied my heart upon these walls in quite some time. I'm not really sure why that is. No time? No finer fuel for fantasy? (My 7th grade english teacher would flip if she read that alliteration). I simply don't know. So why now...?

Perhaps enough days of pouring rain have broken me. I feel much like an over-played guitar. The unrelenting musician plays his ballad across me. Strumming. Plucking. Music of life has been composed upon my very soul. It has worn down my heart strings to the point of breaking.

I don't want to sing this song alone... I can't sing this song alone... I've never been a great soloist...

Friends... aren't they about... time?

2010-08-06T13:46:00.001-07:00

I have a friend that I work with that will soon be moving off to Oregon. He's graduating and finishing up his studies and that will be that. Am I sad? Yes. I'll miss him. The happening has put me into a reflective mood however.

How many of us hop on Facebook and look at the tally of friends that we have and think to ourselves, "Boy I'm popular!", then we smile inwardly and move on to the totally unimportant routine of checking our wall, checking our notifications, and checking the reel? I was just perusing good ol' Facebook a few days ago, looking at pictures of kids I barely knew, when I stumbled across a kid I will temporarily nickname Jones. Jones had approximately 3,450 friends! "Holy crap," I said to myself, as I gawked at that almost insurmountable number. "How could anyone have THAT many friends?! I don't even think I've met that many people in my entire life!"

Then I got to thinking. How could Jones possibly be "friends" with that number of people? If he were to spend an entire day with every friend it would take Jones roughly the next nine years 245 days to do so! But let's be realistic! How bout just an hour with every single friend? It would still take Jones roughly five months to go through that lofty list. Even cutting the time down to minutes it'd still take poor Jonesy nearly two and a half days! So, I beg the question again. How!? How can he possibly be friends with that many people?

Answer: He can't.... *Duh duh DUH!!!!!*

I think guys and girls are different. I think girls hold their friendships tighter and longer. I think they fight for them more. I think they are more willing to try and hold onto more friends. I think that it also takes far less for girls to be friends than it does guys. Guys have to have weird "bonding" moments. We have to connect in some manly way that doesn't attack our own comforts. It's complicated. It's weird. It's difficult. Girls? They go shopping, share an ice cream cone, talk about boys, and BAM, they're inseprable.

How many people that we're surrounded by, that we "hang out" with are going to simply fade into grey nothing when we get married, grow up, and move on? How many will we fight for? How many will fight for us? One thing's for sure. Friends take time. Eventually we all have to make decisions which friends to fight for just as I'm sure Jones must.

All in all, I hope I don't lose too many friends as the years pass on. I'd like to keep ya all if I could.

My Tearless Pillow - Part 2

2010-08-03T08:01:00.001-07:00

Let me finish the story that I started one month ago...

Recalling briefly, this story is of a family of four... well... three and a half: a Father, Mother, baby boy, and a newborn baby girl.

This baby girl came home with her new family of three a few short days after being birthed. She was given the usual treatment from friends and family, the "ooh"ing and the "aah"ing, the occasional pinch and the awkward face that we make at babies thinking that for some reason a scrunched up face will make a baby smile.

This little girl enjoyed life with her new family, living in the Wasatch Valley her first few years.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and time just flew.... but something was wrong...

This little baby girl seemed.... different...

It took her longer to crawl, longer to walk, longer to talk. Longer to do everything. Ann was concerned and started worrying. Rick, the stoic and sober man that he was, wasn't concerned. "Don't worry about it Ann. I'm sure she'll catch up in a few months. Not all babies are the same."

But Ann wasn't convinced. Something was wrong. The next day she took her newborn to the doctor.

I'm not certain but I would imagine that fearing for the health and safety of your children must be the most powerful thing for a mother. The concern for an utterly helpless being of your own loins may be one of the most powerful emotions one can experience. Or at least so I've heard.

I can only imagine what this mother must have gone through when she received the baby records for her dear little girl. I'm sure she will forever have ingrained in her memory an image of the two words "Blue Baby" on a off white sheet of paper, in some cold and hollow hospital.

The term "Blue Baby" refers to the coloration of newborns. When they first come out of the womb sometimes babies are blue in the face. Much as we, when holding our breath, turn blue in the face, so do babies when labor continues on incorrectly. This has a greater potential of happening when babies are born breach.... like Ann's baby....

Life was difficult after that. Officially diagnosed, Ann's child was labeled with three letters, A.D.D., Attention Deficit Disorder. As the years would pass the facts would reveal themselves to show that there was more to it than simply ADD. A plethora of conditions seemed buried in the two words "Blue Baby."

Time passed and as all little girls do, this little girl grew up..... but it was far from easy...

She struggled in school. She struggled to ride a bike. She struggled to make friends. Kids made fun of her for her speech impediment. Teachers misunderstood her and punished her wrongfully because they couldn't understand her condition. Her brothers and sisters got angry with her incessantly because she just wouldn't learn, because they too, didn't understand.

She struggles to read. Math is impossible for her. She is easily distracted from daily tasks. She struggled to graduate. She struggles to keep a job. She struggles to find someone to love.

How many nights Ann has wept for her baby girl... how many nights she must think to herself over and over again, "Why couldn't I have just gotten a C-Section?"

I pray every single day of my life that my Mom doesn't hold herself responsible in any way for those two words, "Blue baby." You see.... this little girl is my older sister Megan....

Megan is one of the greatest people I know. So caring. So loving. So funny. Our childhood together was so difficult. I was young. I was ignorant. I was stupid. I didn't understand why my older sister seemed to act like my younger sister. I got angry with her. I yelled at her... and now... I cry to know that I ever did. I wish that I could take that young teenage me and teach him the things I know now.

My whole family loves and adores Megan. Each of us has cried ourselves to sleep praying that she will find what she's looking for. That she can live a normal life. That she'll find somebody to love that will treat her like the queen she is.

I love my sister and hope that someday, she will find all that and more.

My Tearless Pillow - Part 1

2010-06-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a story about someone I know. This story took place right here in Utah, not too far from here in the central hub of Salt Lake City. The date was September 20, 1982...

"Rick?! It's time!"

"What do you mean 'It's time?'"

"Honey!! It's TIME!!!"

"OH! THAT time!? Really!? Agh! Okay! Let's go!"

Rick and his nine-month pregnant wife hop inside their beat up yellow Toyota Corolla hatch-back and whisk away from Grandma's house, leaving behind their 20-month old baby boy. Rick is usually quite the docile driver but stick a screaming woman in the passenger seat and even he can stick the pedal to the metal.

Screeching around a turn they pull up to the "Emergency" doors and Rick hops out. Opening his wife's door and goofily helping her out they stumble into the receiving line and are quickly admitted into emergency. Rick's wife, Ann, has done this once before so she's trying to stay calm as the nurse begins the internal check.

"Well that's weird... what is that?" says the nurse.

"What? What's what?" Ann asks as she starts to worry.

"Hmm... that can't be a bridge to a nose because there's no eye socket... what is that?" the nurse says again. The nurse continues to drone on like a robotic monologue as she performs the internal check acting as though Ann weren't there. Worried and confused Ann persists in trying to find answers. Suddenly the nurse stands up and leaves stating, "I'll be right back." Minutes pass that seem like hours as Ann struggles to deal with the pains of labor.

Almost as suddenly as she left, the nurse returns with two doctor interns and another nurse. They all stoop down and only further make Ann uncomfortable as they take turns internally checking the baby. Similar responses are heard from all in the room. "That is weird." "What is that?" "You're right. I'm not sure." Ann is becoming more and more frightened and shouts, "What!? What's wrong!?"

The doctors and interns finally look up and acknowledge that Ann is present on the conversation.

"Ma'am, is your baby breach?" he asks.

"No. I don't think so. I wasn't told anything." The doctor looks away and sends off the nurses to call Ann's doctor. Within a few minutes the interns come back followed behind by the nurses.

"Ma'am, we spoke with your doctor and your baby is in fact breach. We would suggest a c-section."

"A c-section!? What? No... I don't want one. Can't I deliver her naturally?" Ann asks.

In baby deliveries there are a few different positions of breach that a baby can become. Three of those positions are not safe to be naturally birthed through the canal and are suggested to be performed Caesarean. The fourth position is however safe for natural birth. Ann's baby was in the fourth position.

"I want a natural birth!" cried Ann.

The interns and nurses looked at Ann... and quickly began the process of birthing her baby girl. Tubes were inserted, Ann's doctor appeared, anesthesia was administered, nurses scurried, Rick came into the room... and the screaming began...

Pushing. Screaming. Sweating. Crying. Hurting. Bleeding. Yelling.... and Ann was finished... Rick suddenly grabbed both her shoulders and exclaimed, "Ann! You're not done! You still have to deliver the head!"

The final push. The dangerous push. The baby can't breathe because her head is still in the womb. Every second is as important as the last. Pushing. Pushing. Pushing. Pushing! Pushing!!!

...crying...

...with so much pain came a beautiful cry...

...with so much pain came life...

But this is not where our story ends...

Whatever. (Cause I can't think of a cool title).

2010-06-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to drop by to say that I'm living the dream. I suppose this might come as a shock considering the nature of my most recent post.

I woke up one day a few months ago and realized I didn't like the way I was living life. I think I found this out because of a friend that I met. She lived life like one giant adventure. Everything was about the adventure. Everything was about the stories to be shared, to be told years down the road. This girl has an epic plethora of stories. I loved it about her. Life was meant to be laughed at.

I want stories. I want adventures. I want laughter and memories that shall never be forgotten

Well, hello I'm there.

In the past three weeks I've been on a stake trek, I've been to Zion's National Park, I've been to an unbelievably EPIC paintball war, I've watched the sunrise from the tops of mountains, I've made friends with some amazing people, and I've quite nearly dodged death a few times...

... just no one tell my mother...

"Don't let me go"

2010-06-06T00:39:00.001-07:00

I don't know exactly where to begin. I suppose it is obvious that since I'm writing this at 1:39 am that something went wrong tonight. Let me see if I can keep this vague so as not to offend anyone that might be connected.

I recently started dating a girl. She's tall and so much fun. She's gorgeous and reminds me of one of my friends from Missouri. She's spunky and so much fun to be with. I love her high pitched laugh of a giggle that she does whenever something funny and exciting happens. She does this thing with her nose that is so dang cute. She scrunches it up and just giggles. It melts my heart on the spot. I loved every single one of them.

I came home today from a paintball war in West Desert. I went over to this girl's home simply to say hello, to see that cute smile of hers. She hugged me and I knew I was home. We spent the evening watching a movie with Alex and some other friends. I walked her home, gave her a kiss goodnight, and then she turned to me and said we needed to talk. I assumed it was about the officialness of our dating.... gosh..... I wish that that had been what it was about....

You see... she wasn't ready. She had just ended a relationship with another boy that had lasted for about nine months. She said that she really really liked me and didn't want to lose me but that she didn't want me to be the rebound. I told her I understood...

As I was walking home I prayed...

I prayed that she would come running around the corner, that she would come to me and hug me, exclaiming that she was wrong, that she had realized she was wrong, that she needed me. That is all I have ever.... ever wanted... To be needed.... To be wanted.... that girl that won't give me up so easily, that will come running after me. That is all I have ever wanted... that is all...

As I was walking home I stopped...

I stopped and turned around to look and see if she was coming... all I saw was deserted sidewalks for as far as I could see; the sprinkler that drizzled on my pant leg mocking my hopes and dreams. Not noticing the water I continued. Twice more.... twice more I turned with hope in my heart. Twice more I found no one there.

As I was walking home I plead...

I plead that my phone might ring, I plead that she might break this silence of separation..... I've lost count of the number of times I've checked....

As I was walking home I broke down...

Dancing

2010-05-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

This'll be short.

I'm competing open smooth and open latin. We, meaning Clarissa and I, have been working on smooth for several weeks now and our routines are awesome! Clarissa is one heck of a dancer and I'm so lucky to get to work with her. Sean has been coaching us and he's put a bit of a twist on most of our routines that I'm really loving.

Today, I started taking my first lessons for open latin. Our lesson was with Brent Keck. I've always been somewhat intimidated by Brent and I was super nervous. Turns out that I was nervous for nothing. He's tons of fun to work with; not to mention that he's also freaking awesome. He did the girl part with me and I swear, for the first time in my life I blushed. I just couldn't keep a straight face. Brent and Laura were laughing as I squirmed around the room. Then Laura did this one figure and I felt like I needed a bucket of ice water dumped on my head.

One last thing before I go: our latin choreography is... hottt. Yes, with three t's.

Bridges, Books, and Beginnings

2010-05-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

I finished an amazing book today. It's called The Curse of Chalion. I must say that I've never tried reading a book that was romantic fantasy. If I had been told that it was such before reading I'm not sure if I would have finished. In fact, to be 100% honest if the book hadn't been suggested by this one friend of mine I'm not certain I would have finished either. It rather dragged at the beginning. I was pushing through, hoping that it would get better and by page 200 I was still feeling bored. Seven pages later I was so engrossed with deceit, lies, creativity and love that I couldn't put it down. Everyone, read this book!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. For as long as I can remember I have felt that I'm missing something in my life. I don't know what it is. Part of me is so determined that it isn't something but someone. The other half of me feels like it is something else but hasn't a clue what. As a kid I believed that that missing half of me was to be a superhero, flying around saving the world and damsels in distress before supper... though... I'm not sure if that childhood dream is entirely gone...

Today I find myself asking, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm going to school, working, gaining an education, developing a christ-like character, etc... "Isn't there more out there? Isn't there more to life?" I feel like an investigator... :S

Perhaps I am greedy, perhaps I'm impatient, perhaps I'm a fool but I find myself exclaiming,

"I want more adventures. I want more risks. I want more life. I want more love. I want more... so I'm saying so."

Facts of Life

2010-05-05T10:54:00.001-07:00

So I went and sold Pest Control this week.

Fact: there's quite a bit of money in it if you are good at selling and can put up with it.

I made quite a chunk o' change in the days that I worked. But the problem was I simply didn't enjoy it. I'm looking to have a relaxed enjoyable summer. Not one that brings me home every night at 9 and leaves me dead tired and exhausted just to do the same thing tomorrow. So, after much thought and prayer I decided it just wasn't for me. My boss there did say, "If you don't enjoy it then don't do it." So I'm simply taking his advice.

If there's one thing I've learned in life it's this: there's more to life than money, titles, and things. There's happiness. I spent fifteen minutes last night talking to Laura and I enjoyed those fifteen minutes more than the entire day selling. I decided my time with my friends is of greater worth to me than the luxury of my car at the end of the summer.

On another note, today I was walking to dance practice and a girl I know came up to me and asked what I was doing at 7 am everyday. I told her sleeping. She told me to go talk to Kurt Holman. I walked down a little farther and another girl was like, "What are you doing at 7 am everyday?" Again, sleeping. She grabbed my arm and ran me into the Gold Standard class. Dialogue went something like this:

"Kurt! This boy isn't on team and would be willing to fill the vacancy."

"Are you a student? You're not? Then you'd have to pay the fees. That's okay? Then I'll call you later today. Francesca you have his number? Great. Wait, what's your name?"

"I'm Josh Cluff."

"Oh, okay perfect. I know you."

So... long story short... I'm on Kurt Holman's Spring team... :S Go figure...

I Read Comics

2010-04-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

To me, this is what life is all about:

My Dad's like this. Everyone needs someone like this.

Unconditional love.

Unforgettable Things

2010-04-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

Thursday. Thursday was an unforgettable day. Any day that starts with self-induced vomiting is going to be an unforgettable day.

Long story short: I got the stomach flu. Dang nearly killed me. I've never been in so much physical pain due to the flu in my life.

....on to better things....

These are a few happenings that have made it into my Book of Unforgettable Things:

- A couple of weeks ago I went to the BYU Social Dance lab. At the dance lab there are a few classes that will perform. Specifically there are the silver and gold social classes. I came a little early and saw one of the classes rehearsing. I was watching the students dancing when I noticed one of the students, a boy, that seemed to be just a slight count off the beat, almost like he was a hesitation behind. I wasn't sure whether to be confused or impressed.

I watched him for a minute before movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. It was someone waving their arms around like they were conducting. I looked and realized it wasn't that at all; it was a woman that was signing to this boy... the boy was deaf.

My judgment of that boy changed in a heart beat. Here stood someone that wasn't going to be daunted by his abilities. Here was a boy that was so much more a man than most. I was impressed. I was touched. I decided that night to try and be more like that boy who was so much more a man.

- Last Monday I got a call from my brother. He and his wife had just spent the last several days in the hospital watching over my nephew, Aiden. Aiden had come down with RSV and was in intensive care for several days. Both Jake and Andrea were exhausted and tired. Jake asked me if I could babysit Aiden while they went out. I decided that they needed a break and that I'd spend my FHE with Aiden that night.

It was fun. Not only did I get to play with my nephew the whole night but I got free food! :) Aiden played ball nearly the whole night. I snuck up behind the couch and laughed so hard when he squealed and ran behind the other side. He really likes peek-a-boo it seems.

I tried feeding him but he wouldn't have any of that. "Come on bud. Mom wants you to eat something before bed," I said, but he continued to shake his head every time the spoon came anywhere near his mouth. I thought that maybe the food tasted horrible or something. "Come on Aiden-Little, it can't taste all that bad." So I tried a little bit.... *BLEH! Sick! Mush!* He giggled at that as I ran to grab a glass of water. I decided to give up on that since I couldn't stand it myself.

It was getting late so I decided to try and put him to bed. He was crying so I sat at the rocking chair and rocked back and forth. He took his bottle and I held him as he fell asleep on my chest. I was exhausted, but loved every minute.

Social Norms, Breaking Them

2010-04-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

So in my Psychology class we were required to break a social norm. I didn't really know what I wanted to do and I kinda figured something would come to me when I needed it. Wednesday that moment came.

I was walking past the JFSB and I thought to myself, "Self. It sure is nice out today. Wouldn't it be nice to lay out in the sun? Problem is that all the grass is wet. The only dry spot to lay is on the sidewalk here... >:) Hmm...." So I did just that. I found a gap of sidewalk I knew was traveled by tons of students during passing period and laid down just before classes let out. It was pretty hilarious what happened:

So I tried to add some of the dialogue that you can't hear. Those that are in there really did happen verbatim. I was way surprised how many people actually just stepped right over me. I was thinking to myself, "Excuse me! I'm lying down here! Sheesh... the nerve of some people." :) I think that because it was BYU that not as many people reacted as I was hoping however. I think the next step will be to do it somewhere obnoxious, like on Center Street or something. :)

:)

2010-04-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's done. I'll post the video tomorrow morning.

Lookin Up

2010-04-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

Life, listen up. Could you settle down already!? This up and down roller coaster ride is making me turn green in the face. I feel like I'm riding the Millennium Force in Sandusky, Ohio which closely resembles a nasty sine wave.

Today, things are lookin up. Why?

Cause we finally, FINALLY got our house for housing next year. We've been breaking our backs pulling strings to get this place. We had it, then they sold it. New lady wanted girls inside. Then she sold it. Then BYU wanted girls inside. So, we contact our Bishops and Bishop Henley totally went to bat for us. Rocked it! So we're meeting with the new owner in like 11 minutes. Can I just say that I love how her last name is "Money?" So awesome! I hope she's cool.

Oh, one more thing about the house. She wants to fix it up for us. You know, I think I'm okay with that. Though it'll go a little up in price I'm down with that. :)

Yesterday I had to break a social norm for my Psych class. So I went over by the JFSB and laid down in the middle of sidewalk acting like I was sun bathing. I took up six of the nine feet sidewalk. I had a girl stand behind a window and video the whole thing. Oh, and I did this all during passing period. I'll have to drop the video on here later today. It was pretty hilarious what people said/did.

I've gotta beat this...

2010-04-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have a confession...

...lately I've been struggling to stay happy...

...I feel like every time I fight to build myself up that there is something, or more often, someone there to tear me back down.

...I'm just not doing very well lately... that's the honest truth... I'm struggling...

...everyday I wake up, roll over in bed, and plead to God that I'll find the strength to stay happy, that I'll find peace from the demons that loiter around me... I beg and pray that I'll find success in my efforts and that I'll find hope to latch onto today...

...I'm tired of fighting... I want to be like everyone else... independent of emotions and feelings that seem to dictate my moods...

I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this,

So from my thoughts I will exclude the very thing

That I hate more than everything is, the way I'm powerless

To dictate my own moods.

I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more,

And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.

But that's not the way it works, no that's not the way it works.

When I go down, I go down hard…

Maybe, just maybe

2010-03-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so how does this sound:

I was speaking with my Mom about Summer internships and what not. Unfortunately the one I was going to do called me and informed me that due to the recession they had to subsidize and my internship was cut. Yeah, I know, sad day. *Tear*

Sooo, in speaking with my Mom she suggested going to McCall and working. It's a place in northern Idaho, about two hours north of Boise. It's a resort town. It is nestled in the mountains with a great big lake in the center. Pine trees everywhere and I'd be staying at my grandparent's cabin. Best water on earth. Best scenery on earth. My favorite place in the world.

Possibilities of work include:

- working for the resort hotels doing... something.

- working for a high end restaurant up there. Waiting.

- working for the lake mariner.

- or working for my great uncle who owns part of Maverick.

Me + mountains + lake + trees + decent job = :) ?

18 minutes then I'm late for class

2010-03-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

I just super-glued the cut on my finger together. Did it hurt? No. Though I think it may have hurt more if it had been more recent. The stuff works beautifully!

Alright, so I need some help/advice/responses/criticism/etc...

There's this girl. Big surprise... I like her quite a bit... well... like a lot. Her name is Dominique and NO she is not black. Can't tell you how many times I've been asked that... Not that there's anything wrong with me dating a black girl. Anyways, Dom and I have been going on dates for weeks now, like... three, probably four, several times a week even.

After a few dates she snuggled up to me and I thought things were going pretty well, but my instincts told me something was up. So... I spoke with her. Asked her what was going on. Surprise, she just got out of a relationship that was off and on for like two years. She said she wasn't looking for another relationship and was going to be dating other guys. I told her that was totally fine and that I didn't want to push her towards anything.

So at this point I'm already a little frustrated. Since WHEN did girls turn into the ones that cuddle, hold hands, etc and it means NOTHING!? I mean we guys get flack after flack after flack for being stereotypically the ones to delve into "Non-Commital" actions. If a guy does something like this he's labeled how? A jerk. A player. If a girl does this how is she labeled? She's hurting.

Well, from there I decide I'm not going to throw all my hopes towards her and I start seeing other girls. She kind of finds out and suddenly the next thing I know she's doing stuff for me. She brings me dinner at work. She brings me surprises and wishes me good luck on my tests. She brings me soup when I'm sick. It's more than some of my actual girlfriends have even done sometimes.

So what am I supposed to think?! I haven't a clue. I talked with her this last Saturday what it all meant. She reiterated that she didn't want a relationship, that she liked me. So I was like... okay... I got all that. But what do you want me to think, to feel, to do when you do these things for me?! Her response... "I don't... really know." AAAGGGGGhhhhhgaghgahaghghghhg!!!! She thanks me for being patient with her. She tells me that her sister thinks she should date me. She tells me that her parents like me (I met them at dancesport). Aaaggghahagaghghghg!!!

So now what?! What does a guy do? What am I supposed to think?! Feel!? What do I tell my heart that is really starting to latch onto her!? What is she thinking? What is she doing!?

..... help.... please....

Girls!!

2010-03-15T13:07:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I think that I should post a bit of the drama that is going on in my relationships right now. It's driving me up the wall. I need advice and I seriously want to know what you all think I should do. I'm going to have to write it all out later this evening however cause I've gotta go meet Kellie for lunch. So check back tomorrow cause I really need help here.

- J

P.S. What the heck is with my blog getting weird comments from Chinese speaking spammers!?

Running, hiding, and honesty.

2010-03-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, so for months now... since about last October, I have wanted more than anything to run away from school, from Provo, from Utah, from the U.S. and heck, while I'm at it, the Earth! I just want really badly to go on an adventure, to do something crazy. I want to go off to Timbuktu and see, eat, work, and live. I don't know where.

A few places I've considered:

- D.C.
- Alaska
- California (Livermoore or San Fran)
- Greece (Santorini)
- Thailand
- Norway (Might actually do this one. I know a guy.)
- Switzerland
- New Mexico
- New Zealand

Yep. Just a few thoughts.

I want to see something completely random. I want to hide from my overly complicated life. I want to escape to somewhere else that I can be free from the past for a few months. I want to be someone else for a while. I want to be like a girl and "find myself." ;)P I want to make friends with mountain men that drink at bars in the evenings and tell stories of bears, hunting trips and mythical creatures that they swear they've "seen." I want to live the life of a saint for a summer. I want to spend two week with the Monks of Meteora. I want to live...

And I want to fall in love. Maybe she is out there somewhere else.

I admit it...

2010-03-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my Mom this afternoon over a sandwich from Gandolfo's. (Which by the way are ridiculously awesome sandwiches. So big, so tasty, so much more exciting than traditional brands). She turned to me and asked me, "So how is my Joshy's dating life?" (Yes, she sometimes calls me "Joshy." There's a song too that goes with the name but you'll have to pry that one out of me). I told her about everything and everyone. She listened. My Mom's a great listener. I told her that I was feeling depressed, frustrated and just tired of dating. I told her that I felt like I had no motivation.

"Josh, we've talked about this," she said. "You need to find the motivation from within."

I've heard my mother, father, brother, sisters, and friends tell me that. For some reason it rubbed me a little differently today. I suppose it was because I noticed that as of lately I haven't been happy. I've been frustrated that I'm not happy. I've just seemed... not me. I've hated it.

Why?!

Well, today, I realized that that three letter word was the reason why. I've been asking why. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I find her? Why.... why.... why.... I've always known that things could be harder, that I'm blessed beyond what I deserve but today for some reason it hit me that I was being ridiculous.

I'm a happy person that loves laughing, playing, joking, smiling and above all else making others smile. I realized that my greatest personality flaw was that I have a tendency to be moody. I decided today to change that. So guess what that means... no more moody posts. (I'm sure some of you are clapping...)

I recently finished reading an awesome trilogy called Mistborn. One of the characters I idolized. His name was Kelsier. (Chelsea, this one's for you). This character was happy all of the time. He had an ability to see the good in everything and he did it with a sense of humor that was simply contagious. For example, at one point he is planning to overthrow the government with his friends. They start by making a list of the things they have to do. Members of the group start throwing out items. Kelsier writes them one by one on the board; things like, "Destroy army. Create turmoil in parliament. Corrupt communication and alliances among aristocracy." Then one of the members of the group named... crud his name eludes my memory, we'll call him Demosthenes. Demosthenes says something pessimistic, something truthful yet depressing... something moody... Kelsier writes on the board, "Demosthenes' attitude."

What's my point? I suppose my point is that I want to be more like that. Optimistic. Laughing at failure and the impossible. Always smiling. I know I can be.

Today I decided to start trying to conquer my moody tendencies.

Well... here goes nothing.... :)

I hope that day is tomorrow

2010-02-27T11:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've gotten a lot of people telling me that I need to blog about happier things. I would agree actually. I just haven't found anything happy worth blogging about that won't bore you all to tears. Besides, let's face it, drama is so much more interesting than reading about someone else's love life going right. Am I right? Yes, it's once again about dating. Yes, it's once again a rather exasperating story. It seems that my life is full of "Once upon a time"'s but no "Happily ever-after"'s...

Girl. Boy. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl has boyfriend. Sad boy.

Time. Boy befriends girl. Girl is wonderful. A breath of fresh air. Boy likes girl more. Frustrated boy.

Time. Boy tells self no. Boy hunts elsewhere. Boy just likes girl more. Boy loses "marbles." Sad boy.

Time. Time. Time. Girl breaks up with boyfriend... Curious boy...

I think that my sister-in-law is right. My theme song is most definitely Michael Buble's "Haven't Met you yet." I find that I try so hard to make things work with someone. It's not meant to go that way. It's supposed to be a 50-50 project. Wish I could have realized that earlier in my dating. This new girl, she's wonderful in so many ways, but I can't make us into something that isn't meant to be, no matter how much I like her.

Someday. Someday I'll find someone who will give me that 50 back. Shoot, I'm not sure I'll know what to do when I find someone like that. I'll probably spend every waking hour pinching myself. And then I'll finally be that happy boy.

Just Watch the Fireworks

2010-02-17T14:26:00.000-08:00

I have homework to do. I have tests to study for. I have dances I need to learn. I have quizzes to study for. I have papers I need to write. I have responsibilities I need to see to. I have people I need to check up on. I have promises I need to keep. I have so much that I NEED to do...

... but I can't do any of it...

I'm distracted.
I'm afloat.
I'm singing with rapture,
and dancing like a dervish.

... and it has never felt so good...

Patience. 'Tis a virtue.

2010-02-14T22:14:00.001-08:00

4.58 months later...

I've spoken with dozens and dozens of friends, family, and even strangers about this, "How does one find peace in a break-up and get over love lost?" I heard all types of suggestions: get a hobby, get lost in your studies, continue dating and rebound if you need, forget about her, realize that you deserve better, find someone new to replace her.

20.3 weeks later...

Looking at that list I can honestly say that in my experience that I've tried several of these... in fact... I think I've tried most, if not all of these. What worked? What brought me solace, pure sweet peace that I craved more than breathe itself? .... .... none .... ....

142 days later...

What is it about love that carves its initials on our insides, like a fragile oak tree to carry the marks of ardor and affection? Even when we wish to cleanse our very souls of love that has fallen? How many have sought to do so and terrified, found that the initials don't come off? That a dream has so metamorphously transfigured into a living, breathing nightmare?

3,408 hours later...

When on my mission, I experienced heart break for the first time. I learned what it was to feel so absolutely crushed that you felt you'd never be possibly put back together. I struggled daily to regain my composure and continue on. I found a bit of peace in an unexpected area: writing. I wrote something, (for I am not sure it could be labeled a poem, story, or anything else), and I called it "Shattered." I share a piece of it with you now...

204,480 minutes later...

"As true love seems to appear a dream, an unattainable grace, so also is the pierce of searing pain, when nightmares begin to breathe... I live an embodiment of my greatest fears. My heart is broken, yes, of this I am honest. But I know that "broken" I have always been. No, I am something further despaired than being broken.

"My heart has been suddenly traumatized. Pierced by a knife, I would be only bleeding, but I am in pieces all over. I've been struck and my heart burst. The pieces of which lay in shards around me. No, I am not broken, I am something more. I am shattered."

12,268,800 seconds later...

Each of us is different I realize. Some are able to move on in a week's time, days even. Others of us, the hopeless romantics I believe, are destined, or perhaps doomed, to live out many more months, weeks, days, and hours. And here in, I believe lies the true cure to heartache, to love lost....

.... .... time .... ....

...and one moment later... you're free...

The phantoms of ourselves

2010-01-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

.... for several months now....
 
        ....this is nothing new....
       
                 ....this is the truth hidden beneath the lie....

Today is the day that broke me. I woke up and the whole of everything was more than I could take. I had slept well yet felt exhausted, I was caught up in all my studies yet was still so far behind, I knew all my dances yet still had two left feet.


....concealed within....
   
        ....masked by uncertainty and pride....

                ....is truth....

I laid in bed listening to my alarm clock ring... once... twice... three times... Staring at nothing at all I leaned over and dismissed the pest. I sat up again staring off into space. I felt so hopelessly disheveled. But why...?

Ambition gone. Drive exhausted. Desire squandered. Hope squashed.

"What is wrong with me?!"

I have been considering that query the entire length of the day. Even now, as I sit here spewing forth ambiguous details of my thoughts and feelings I deem myself still "uncured."

"What is wrong with me!?"

Do you ever have days like this? Days where your hope is gone; your strength to trudge through the metaphorical snow is slaughtered by some unseen and unknown force? All you want to do is run off to some vacated prairie and scream at the top of your lungs. The clouds as your witnesses silently mocking your insanity.

For months now I have felt a shadow of this feeling residing in the corner of my mind. The best way to describe the feeling is in writing, in telling you a story of a night some months ago...

Several months previous I came home to an empty apartment. The lights were all off. Not a sound could be heard throughout the house except the constant droning on of traffic outside. It had been a horrible day. A combination of homework, tests, and angry drivers at work had seen to making it so. I wished that there had been someone there to comfort me, to talk to and simply laugh away the pains of the day.

I had never felt so completely alone.

It had rained nearly all day long. It was still raining. I walked upstairs leaving all the lights off. I dropped my bag on my bed and watched the rain continue to fall. It felt almost like it was mocking me; disregarding my state of despair, tormenting my wounded heart.

I opened the door to our balcony and stepped out. Rain pelted my face, chest, and arms. I looked up into the sky as it poured even harder. Waves of rain smattered my face and ran down my back. I stretched out my arms and accepted the beating. My tears mixed with tears of rain as I became bathed in the storm's unheeding torment.

Flash.

A sudden roar of thunder shattered my rapture. Soaked to the bone and feeling miserably cold I stood defiantly and yelled back at the ominous booming. I cried out loud for the pain I was feeling. For the hopelessness I fought. For the confusion I lived with. Rain continued. Thunder rocked me. Still, I yelled back, relieving my emotions, breaking the dam of feelings that I had kept bibed within.

....for a few sweet moments I was free....

Black is white. Up is down. Left is right.

2010-01-13T23:34:00.000-08:00

Gosh... today has just been one of those days. It is currently 12:36 and I have not finished my Statics homework... still. (Go ahead. Laugh Haley.) I'm laying on my bed listening to "Two is Better Than One."

So, the question is this: "Josh, why haven't you finished your Statics homework?"

...good question...

The answer is an ugly one: I'm changing majors... *Baby is heard crying in the background*

For a long time coming I have thought to myself that Mechanical Engineering might not be the right thing for me. College has really thrown my life into a cataclysmic hurricane of confusion. Five years ago I would have told you I want to be an engineer, I hate writing, I'm not a people person, I'm shy, and I'm a nerd.....

Now? I love writing, I doubt that engineering is right for me, I LOVE people, I love awkward situations that make me improv into a better standing, and I'm still a nerd.....

What happened to that Joshua I once was? Who on earth am I!? Am I my twin, whether good or evil, that existed within me, suppressed? Perhaps the real me?

I'm going to talk with one of my favorite professors tomorrow. He said that I could come in any time and talk about life; that we could talk about whether M.E. was right for me..... (wow... I'm thinking there could be a really good twist on this Mechanical Engineering acronym. "The real me is not ME.") Alas, I digress.

Tomorrow, perhaps it's the end of yesterday, but the beginning of a new tomorrow.

FIfteen minutes describe a moment.

2009-12-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

I was at home today working on a Flash animation for my mother. I'd been toiling away for hours making words scribble themselves in the sky. The front door opened and ever so softly, closed. "Is that Megan?" my Mom asked. I knew in an instant that it was not. The calm and mild manner in which the door closed foretold that it could not possibly be Megan. Megan is currently very happy because she is going to get to see her boyfriend soon. No, it could not have been Megan. The person walking through that door was someone far more contemplative, someone with emotion bibbing on the edge of their cup and the slightest grain of dust would have sent that distress flowing.

It was Katie. You see, Katie's boyfriend is reporting to the MTC tomorrow. They've been friends for years now; dated for a few of those as well. They have grown quite attached and even more fond of each other. Best friends? Most assuredly.

The room fell silent as Katie walked in. I looked at her, my Mom looked at her, and my father was absent-mindedly placing another piece to the puzzle on the table. Mom and I saw it, that cup that was overflowing. Two steps more and the cup was indeed, overflowing. Mom hugged her. I sat there and watched and felt the strangest of feelings.

In that moment I felt overwhelmed too. I relived all my heartache, all my grief, all my pain and suffering brought on by relationships in a mere moment. It was everything I could do to not bawl right there. I relived what it was like to say goodbye to my high school sweet heart. I relived what it was like to read those words, "I can't say I love you anymore." I relived what it was like when I heard the immortalized words, "She's not coming back." Those experiences... moments... in which time stood still, have been etched into my heart; carved, if you will, by the painful daggers of truth.

I learned today about the Atonement. I learned how it is the Savior is able to succor us all. He has said those goodbyes, He has read those words, and He has heard far worse things. Today, I died a thousand times as I watched my little sister suffer, watched as I felt her pain. He too... feels our pain... and for that... I am so very grateful...

someday... you'll be mine...

2009-12-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

My family is downstairs watching Up. I sat there for the first 20 minutes and watched. I love that movie; so sweet, so innocent and pure. Great story, greater message. I reached a point that I couldn't watch any longer... it just hurt too much. I came up to release my thoughts.

I've dreamed love...

I've lived love...

I've breathed love...

I've given love... and shared love...

...I've loved...

I know what it is to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. I've seen lightning strike and thought that time stood still. Sleep became a burden, for the present finally emerged conqueror, conqueror of dreams, and the here and now was all that I could ever ask for.

What is it about love that compels me so to deviate from logic and venture to irrational living? Why, love, are you so elusive? So omnipresent, yet intangible? Why do you grasp me so strongly yet toy with me like one does a marionette?

Brown-Eyed Girl often writes letters to her love-to-be. I think that for today, I will do the same...

Dear Love-to-be,

How many letters have I penned you in the corners of my heart... How many times have I sat at a piano bench to release heart and soul on ivory keys... do you hear my songs, read my letters, though you are not there?

Love-to-be, do you seek me as I seek for you? My parents asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year and I stood there looking at them, feeling like a seven year-old. "I guess I need clothes," I said. But in that moment there were two voices. "I desire my heart to be full. I want my life to be a dream come true, not a nightmare without end. I wish color to return to my world. I want sunsets and shooting-stars to be stunning again," said my heart. I want you Love-to-be.

- Josh

Pleading the Fifth (A Cappella)

2009-12-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

I've had these lyrics in my head for months now:

When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.

I've been trying so hard for the past several weeks to "get what [I] need" but all I've been getting is what I "need." I remember the first time I heard those lyrics way back before my mission. I thought to myself, "What's that supposed to mean? How could one possibly get what they want and not have it be what they need?"

Well... I've learned how to do just that.

Another dialogue I didn't understand:

Louis Connelly: [Walking towards Marshall] Say what you have to say Marshall!

Marshall: No man, go on!
Louis Connelly: Come on! Say what you have to say! Come on say it!
Marshall: Say what?
Louis Connelly: [Shoves him] Come on! Say it! Say it!
Marshall: [Backing away as Louis continues pushing him] That the best you got? Is that the best you got man?
Louis Connelly: Come on! Hit me then!
Marshall: No man
Louis Connelly: HIT ME!
[Slams Marshall against the projector]
Louis Connelly: I'M SUFFOCATIN' HERE!

I thought that that was the most ridiculous scene in the entire world. I had no clue what was going on. Now... now I do. Louis wants to feel again. He wants to feel alive in the present. He wants to feel that for a second there is a world that exists outside of the one that he dreams about daily, hourly, every single waking moment. He believes that a swift punch to the jaw might jar his mind.

...I think he was right...

One more last quote:

"Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together."

This too shall pass

2009-12-11T16:25:00.000-08:00

I listened to a girl talk about MLIA the other day. She was going through the recent posts for that day (Which there are like dozens). I thought to myself, "Wow. This site really has exploded into something pretty big in a relatively short time. What else has exploded like this? What things will last the test of time?"

There are so many things that are "fad-ish." They're big today and gone tomorrow. I think that MLIA will become another one of these "fad-ers." Facebook is becoming one of these as well. I read an article in the paper the other day that says that "specialists" (whatever the heck that means) think that Facebook will disappear before too many more years pass by. (They reasoned that due to older crowds joining the pool it will become less "popular"). I for one spend a lot less time on Facebook than I ever did and find myself rather exasperated with the social networking interface that has become bombarded by useless, annoying bits of information about things no one cares to know. (That and half-clad females that "claim" to be looking for boyfriends being advertised along the sides gets REALLY annoying as well).

What else is on my list of "fad-ers?" Hmm... musical groups: Owl City and Miley Cyrus are two that come to mind. They both came out with songs that made "big hits" fast. I think that for this very reason alone they will fade out fast. I for one have become sick and tired of hearing Owl City's Fireflies on the radio. It is WAY over played. I love the song but if the radio stations keep this up it is going to become a thing of the past. (Plus if you add the fact that the main singer is a little... femme, I doubt that they will continue on into history. If you don't buy the femme claim talk to Alex. He went to their concert a week ago and wow...)

I've questioned the popularity of blogging even. I know I'm walking in a mine field right now so I'll be tactful. I think that as most of us grow up that even blogging will fade out of our lives. I think that we will find that the time we spend writing passionate blurbs about nothing at all will be better used in the pursuit of some worthy goal. I know that some of us will continue on however. There are you die hards out there and to you all I say "Rock on."

I suppose this comes to mind when I consider that I haven't seen some of my "blogging friends" for weeks while they live less than a block away. When did communication become so impersonal? For crying out loud, some of us learn about the feelings of our roommates via their blogs instead of actually communicating with them. WTH!? Shouldn't comments of support and love be made in person when the person you're directing them to is right in the other room?! All I have to say is "June 2009 Ensign."

Well, I'll stop there. Who knows what will happen? I don't claim to have any kind of evidence for any of these opinions. That's all they are opinions. But, I would be interested to hear what everyone thinks.

My Dad would be so ticked

2009-11-30T17:25:00.001-08:00

I don't think I need to say any more. :)

"warm fuzzies and hand snuggleez" ;)

2009-11-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

I have a friend that has one of the coolest blogs EVER and I loved her post today so much I thought that I'd share it with everyone. She's got class, spirit, spunk, and sheer AWESOMENESS!

Check it out:

http://sparkpluginthesea.blogspot.com/

Love ya Kwistin!

On the Wing

2009-11-14T11:44:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting here in the.... wait.... where am I? *Haha* One second... ... ... the "HTRSC," aka the Humanities Technology and Research Support Center. It's in the JFSB. It's basically a Mac lab. *sigh* Love Macs.

Currently I'm working/helping work on a Flash animation for my brother's international business. Love Flash! I'm listening to a song called On the Wing by Owl City.

Side Note:
I've been to an Owl City concert and while I personally wasn't as entranced as others were at the concert I really enjoy their music now. Very good but just... different live.

I wanted to get on here and share a few things that I've learned in the past week or so. Last Sunday after Elder's Quorum Bruce came up to me and asked me, "How's life Josh?" I turned to him and said, "Hey Josh. How's life?" I turned to him and genuinely said, "Life's great." Then I stopped and thought/said, "But life's always been great hasn't it?.... I guess my perspective has simply been changed.... Life's great... my perspective is getting great."

As of lately I have learned that this principle is the true test of life:
Life is great. Existing is a wonderful experience to be enjoyed and cherished. Sometimes the weeks are long and the days even longer. Sometimes trials and burdens stack, and stack, and stack upon each other to make life difficult. But the true test is being able to stop, take a step back and still say, "That's a lot of crap on my shoulders... but life is still great."

Tomorrow is another day. The sun will come out soon. The greys will turn to brilliant colors again. The snow will melt. The puddles will dry up.

Life is great. Decide to let it be so.

God's Anointed

2009-11-11T22:16:00.001-08:00

I just left Katie and Laura's apartment. Came home and changed into PJ's when the doorbell rang.... I'm trying to decide if I should use names from here on out.... .... ....

A dear friend of my stood there. He came unannounced, unexpected, but always welcome. I brought him inside. I had no idea why he had come. We don't hang out often, practically never in fact. I wasn't sure why he had come over. I was concerned and excited to help him if that was what he needed. Who could have guessed that he had come to help me......

This man... this giant among men... is someone that I have grown closer and closer to in the past several months. I was his home-teacher during the Summer and I found that I loved being so. He taught me so very much. Often I found myself wondering who was teaching whom.

Well, we both sat down. I offered him an Otter Pop. He said "No thanks" and then we started talking. He asked me how life was. He asked me how Calculus was going. This friend of mine always helps me with Calculus. He's always the first to offer his services. It makes me laugh almost every time because he often doesn't ask if I want help but he tells me to be at his apartment at a certain time. He just knows that I need the help. He asked me how dating was going and I told him the story of Bethany. He ate it right up; laughed till he couldn't any longer.

This friend of mine always kept close vigilant tabs on how things were going between Katie and I during the Summer. Every time that I would see him, the first thing he would ask me was, "How's Katie?" It wasn't a joke. It wasn't small talk. It was very real, very heart-felt. Every time. I loved him for that, for he could see what was important to me. Tonight, he started talking to me about his own girl issues. I listened intently and offered my two pence when he asked for it. He spoke of the trouble he was having in finding that "spiritual, emotional, and physical friend."

As I sat there I stared at one of the greatest men I have ever known. I asked myself, "Why...? Why can no one see past the shell of a body that hides this true man of God?" You see, this friend of mine... he has cerebral palsy and he struggles to do many of the things that you and I find so effortless every single day, things that we take for granted. I shed silent, secret tears in my heart as I listened to his pain, to his desires. "Why.... why can no one see him for who he really is...?"

He told me about his week and that he was excited for his date this weekend. I got excited and inquired about the girl and what his plans were for the date. "I am not certain yet, but I believe we will go to dinner and a show," he said. He spoke of his experience getting over a crush that he has had for a while. I opened my heart to him and shared my experiences of getting over Katie and Amber. As I spoke I saw the attention and care that he had for my every word. I could feel the love that he had for me, for the "me" during those moments of pain. I wanted to hug him, tell him "thank you." But then he said something that humbled me to the core.

"When I first moved into the ward I admired you. You were Elder's Quorum President, you were dating Katie, and you were always so happy. I admired that in you. Then one day, your life changed. You were released at the end of the semester, you broke up with Katie, you were sick, and I found you grieving for your loss. I'm glad that it is my turn to be your home teacher, to help you as you have helped me." I thanked him. He said, "Well, it's time for me to get to bed." He got up and left. The door closed behind him and the room instantly felt empty. I sat on the couch and just cried, thanking my Father in Heaven for men such as Michael Worley. What did I ever do to deserve such a friend? I wept and prayed with every thing that I had in me that he would do well on his test, but more importantly that he would eventually find that "spiritual, emotional, physical friend." I wish that I could show to you all the man behind the iron mask.

If I can ever become half the man that he is... I will truly be more of a man than I am now.

The Smile in Her Eyes

2009-11-07T15:51:00.000-08:00

Alright, so this is what happened...

Last Monday I got a call from Brandon asking if he could borrow a few bucks. He had been studying for the past several hours and was parched. So I said "Sure. Meet me at The Twilight Zone." I was currently at the Traffic Office getting dressed for work, which meant full uniform. I figured "Ah whatever. I'll just walk into the Twilight Zone in full uniform."

So that's what happened. Met Brandon and we grabbed a few drinks/snacks. I went up to pay. Set my jazz on the counter, looked up. "Wow... she's really cute" I thought, so, I started making small talk. Nothing really interesting happens. I look down at her name tag and notice that it says "Hermione" penned onto some masking tap. "Figures," I think to myself. I turn to her and say, "Well Hermione, it was a pleasure to meet you."

She looks down and laughs. "No, that's not my name!"

"Sure it isn't!" *Followed by a smile that says, "I'm clearly just playing with you."*
She laughs and I tell her and her co-worker to have a good night.

That night I had a GREAT idea...

Two days later I went back. Walking into the Twilight Zone I quickly realized that "Hermione" was not there. I notice her co-woker however WAS working. There were a TON of people buying things so I decided that the only way I was going to get to talk to her co-worker was to buy something. So, I buy a pack of gum. (Hey, I needed some gum)

"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm good. How are you?"

"Good... can I ask you a weird question... the girl that was here on Monday that had the name tag that said 'Hermione' ...is she working today?"
"Yeah. She's over in the north section of the Bookstore."
"Perfect," I say and smile. She smiles real big right back.

I walk north and find "Hermione" working in the book section. I freeze and think "What am I going to do!? Buy another pack of gum!?" I hide in an aisle contemplating. "What to do... what to do... what to do..." I look to my left and notice some Foxtrot comic books. I love Foxtrot. So I figure, "Ah, why not?" I grab a book and walk up to the counter. She says hi and the usual intros. I hand her my debit card on the back of which says "Please see ID" and she asks for such. I hand her my ID which I had rigged the night before. Here's what it looked like:

She looks down and stares for a second. She starts laughing. "That's awesome!" she says.

"I thought you might like that," I say.

She looks down at my debit card, "So it's Josh?"

"Yeah, and I see that today you're 'Bethany?'"

"Yeah. It's nice to finally meet you."

"The pleasure's all mine." She gives me my receipt... and we look at each other for an awkward second.

"Well... you have yourself a wonderful day," she says.

I smile. "Thanks. I will." .....and I walk away.....

Now before everyone calls me and throttles me through the phone let me finish the rest of this story.

I step outside of the Bookstore and stand to the side of the door. "Get your butt back in there and ask her out!" I think to myself. I turn around and go back in. She's talking to someone so I hide in the book aisle. I have a mental battle in my head: "What am I going to say!? What should I say!? Am I really going to go do this?! ..... ..... ..... Yes, I am ...."

Poking my head around the corner I see she's on the phone. I catch a glimpse of the conversation she's having, "Yeah! He was just here," as she laughs and smiles.

I can't hear much more than that but she shortly hangs up. "Well... here goes nothing..." I step out and walk back to the counter. She looks up and sees me coming, and smiles. *Melt*

"Okay... I just bought a book that I didn't really need and wasn't even planning on buying just so I could find out your name... would you like to go out on Saturday?"

"I'd love to..." and she smiles.

*Melt*

Vindicated

2009-11-06T10:15:00.001-08:00

Okay, so this isn't "THAT" post. Not yet. I'm at school, okay!? ;) BUT, I just had to get on here and say that I just finished having a nice conversation with Lance Evanson. It was.... interesting... and relieving, and funny, and great, and hilarious, and above all, above everything, it was vindicating.

I think I just gained a new good friend. Lance is one HECK of a guy. That's all I wanted to say. I'll be back here soon to update this great story. :)

Josh out!

Remember Remember the fifth of November...

2009-11-05T19:40:00.001-08:00

I have the BEST story in the WORLD for you all!

You're all going to hate me for this next line...

I'll try and post it tomorrow. .. :(

Just no time now.

Love you all!

~ Josh

My Song in the Night

2009-11-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

I watched a Mormon Tabernacle Choir commercial today. It was tied to the idea of serving others. Was it a bit silly? Perhaps, but it touched me. I thought to myself, "What good have I done for someone else today? All I have been focusing on lately is myself, my own despair and grief that I am trying so hard to cure..." My apology goes out to the world.

Today I do something for someone else.

Words. Words. Words.

2009-11-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

We are the center. In each of our minds--some may call it arrogance, or selfishness, others pride--we are the center; and all the world moves about us, and for us, and because of us. This is the paradox of community, of relationships, the one and the whole, the desires of the one often in direct conflict with the needs of the whole. Who among us has not wondered if all the world is no more than a personal dream?

I am not sure who I am; one that believes it selfish or otherwise. Perhaps it is a mere matter of perception? As others travail their own bitter endings we can but merely empathize with someone else, we cannot truly see the world as another person sees it, or judge events as they affect the mind and heart of another, even a friend.

But we must try. For the sake of all the world, we must try. This is the test of altruism, the most basic and undeniable ingredient for society, for love. It is the basis upon which loving parents make daily decisions; for the good of the whole, for the heart of another. We must try, and here in lies the paradox, for ultimately, logically, we each must care more about ourselves than about others, and yet, if, as rational beings we follow that logical course, we place our needs and desires above the needs of our relationships, our society--and then there is no community, no love--and the bud withers.

When self-indulgence rules, then all the community, all of the whole, both parties, lose, and in the end, those striving for personal gains are left with nothing of any real value. Because everything of value that we will know in this life comes from our relationships with those around us. Because there is nothing material that measures against the intangibles of love and friendship.

Thus, we must overcome that selfishness and we must try; we must care. I strive to live in such a manner. I know not if this philanthropic ethic has come from enlightened guidance of my parents, know not if it is but a fruit of living a Gospel centered life. I watch others around me; note their every action. I seek to find others that live thusly, and I suppose, more than anything, that I seek to find particularly "one." I have yet to

find such a one; self-less, devout, angelic. I hope our paths cross soon. I hope to find someone soon that truly knows how to really live.

...someone that is like me... I would rather die because of another's decisions than have her die because of my own. I would suffer the physical pains, even the end of my life. Better that than watch one I love suffer because of me. I would rather have my physical heart torn from my chest, than have my heart of hearts, the essence of love, the empathy and the need to belong to something bigger than my corporeal form, destroyed.

They are a curious thing, these emotions. How they fly in the face of logic, how they overrule the most basic instincts. Because, in the measure of time, in the measure of humanity, we sense those self-indulgent instincts to be a weakness, we sense that the needs of others--family, friends, loved ones--must outweigh the desires of the one. Only when we admit to our failures and recognize our weaknesses can we rise above them....

Together...

Many words taken from R.A. Salvatore

Swine Flu

2009-10-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

This morning before Latin began I received a text from a number that I didn't recognize. I read a little blurb from the intro and saw "I need both alternates at team today..." So I thought to myself, "Well, that makes sense. The performance is tonight." I set the phone down and put on my shoes. Picked it up and then read the rest of the message...

"... Tim Colvin can't dance because he has Swine Flu. See you at team! Thanks, Kirstyn." .... AAGGHHH!!!!

So yeah... I'm dancing in the Social dance lab tonight! :)

Κύριε! ΣΩΣΕ ΜΕ!!! .... παρακαλώ...

2009-10-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

Στους φίλους μου...

...σήμερα δεν είχα την δύναμη να σηνεχίσω...

...συνάντησα την προγούμενη φίλη μου ως πήγα στην τάξη μου...

... δεν μπορούσα να συνγκέτνρω τις σκέψεις μου...

... δεν μπορούσα να σκέφτομαι...

... δεν μπορούσα να αναπνέω...

... το μόνο πράγμμα που μπορούσα να κάνω ήταν να κλάιω...

... αύτο... αύτο, φαίνεται, κάνω καλά...

"Φίλοι... παρακαλώ... βοήθησέ με...

"Πατέρα... παρακαλώ... βοήθησέ με...

"Καρδιά μου... παρακαλώ... άνοιξε... παρακαλώ... παρακαλώ..."

Αγάπη, που δεν γνορίζω... Σε χρειάζομαι...

I need you

2009-10-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that I'm really grateful to Katie for it's her getting me hooked on Relient K. Good golly I love this song: I Need You. I've been listening to it on repeat all day long. Ever find that some songs just seem to be what you're thinking, feeling, living, breathing, wanting, wishing, needing?

This is one of those posts that has nothing really interesting in and few will comment. : )

Mylifeisaboveaverage.com

2009-10-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

This week has been great. Supremely great. I think you could probably make a pretty dang good movie based off everything that happened this week. It would definitely be a chick flick.

Oh gosh... I want to just write out everything that happened this week, to just lay it all out for everyone to see and admire... but... I feel like I shouldn't.

Here's what I will say: My life is above average. Thanks be to my Father in Heaven.

"Hi my name is Josh and I'm addicted to blogging..."

2009-10-20T20:09:00.001-07:00

Okay, so maybe not quite that bad. If someone told me to quit right now I would have no problem with just dropping it all and walking away. My point is I like releasing all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in other ways other than hitting a punching bag. :)

So, I just finished with the Calc test... MISSED TWO! Boooo-freakin-ya! Tomorrow... Physics... this weekend... American Christianity.... :|

I will say this, I think I may have... accidentally "cheated" on the Calc test? Cheated is such a strong word... how about... "found a loop hole," "dodged," "hoodwinked," "improvised," "bamboozled?" I basically took a problem that they wanted me to do one direction, I couldn't get it to flow right going forward, so I worked backward and found a middle ground where the two met then put 'em together and WHAMMO! It was like magic... in the testing center... t'was a beautiful thing... :)

Canker from Hell!

2009-10-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, this sore throat that could have been H1N1, that could have been just Strep, but could have mutated to Scarlet Fever, that COULD have made me sterile.... :|

... turns out it was just a really bad canker.... seasoned with a really bad sore throat. Yep. Apparently, I had a canker sore that metastasized into a little demon from, you guessed it, Hell! Long story short: I'm feeling much better.

Plans for today:
- Study Calculus
- Destroy said Calculus test
- Study Physics
- Cry because I don't understand
- Eat ice cream to stop crying
- Play Rock Band
- Sleep

It's gonna be a good day. :)

I feel like Maximus Decimus Meridius

2009-10-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

So I have had one heck of a weekend. I came down with something that resembles Strep on Friday and it's been a party ever since.

Stayed inside for literally 48 hours and nearly lost my sanity. Thanks to Asia and friends that came by to check up on me. Friends are my meds. They keep me sane. I was supposed to study all weekend long but I think I got in... hmm... like 2 hours? I just couldn't. Too tired. Too sleepy. Too exhausted. BUT, I still plan on rocking all THREE of my midterms this week.

All I can say is, "When it rains it [freakin] pours."

I DID however pull off a couple of songs at the Minor Acoustic Explosion last night. Playing Favorites and Hallelujah. Stop This Train just wasn't quite ready. Laura, I promise you'll be the first to hear it when it's done. It's going to be so hot. Such a good song.

I called the Health Clinic today to set up an appointment to get my throat checked.... Doctors.... We're not the best of friends. I figure, "Why go all the way to a man in a white coat just to learn what you already know?" ...

"Yep! You're sick alright. Get lots of rest, drink lots of water, and do three backflips twice a day." (They always throw that random crazy thing in there at the end. It's like they want to see if you'll actually do it. Even though it's not going to help you in the least but to act like a placebo.)

"What!? I'm paying you 60 bucks an hour to have you tell me what my Nulna told me as I walked out the door?! Thank you Captain Obvious! Where's your license you quack!?"

Yeah... doctors... we don't get along... even if my own father is one.... :)

Anyways, they were all booked. And by "they" I mean the Health Clinic. And "they" were booked till Wednesday. (I think this whole H1N1 garbage has really gotten people on the fritz.) I told my Mom that I'd get an appointment. What did she say? Oh, you know. The usual. "Better go in and get it checked Josh. I've heard Strep is able to mutate into Scarlet Fever... and that can make you sterile..."

:| Cue: *Baby heard crying in the background*

"Thanks Mom!"

So that's the week in play. It's gonna be a fun one! :) <---- forced smile

masquerades, facades, pretenses and lies

2009-10-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sick right now. Like really sick. I shouldn't be doing anything but sleeping. In fact, if my Mom were here she'd probably send me straight to bed. But am I going to go to bed? ... No... Why? Because I'm doing that which I've always done. Faked it till I made it.

I just finished talking with Asia. We talked about each other's lives and history. Sat on the couch here and played with wonderful little Yu-Ban. Love that little kitten. We talked about our personalities and how we would define ourselves to others. I found it interesting to find out that she thought of me as someone that was/is always happy. Does everyone see me that way?

This week I came home to find something interesting. It was a plate of cookies with a note that had my name on it. To this day I have no idea from whom it came. It said a few nice things and left me rather dumbfounded. Someone had seen through me. Someone had seen through my exterior shell. Who are you mystery cookie-delivering girl? (I'm nearly positive it's a girl. Kind of creepy if it was a guy.) And how did you know what was going on on the inside of Josh?

It's been a peaceful and very contemplative week. I had a teacher lose a son. She missed most of the week and then made it to class on the last day of the week. She stood up and explained a little about her son then said she'd never talk about this in class ever again. She cried and apologized saying that that would never happen again as well. I believe her.

I was amazed by her power, by her love, and by her devotion. Clearly a peace that only the Gospel can bring. I found that same peace this week, a peace that an understanding of the Gospel can bring, a more clear understanding of the Atonement. I understood once more what Elder Holland meant by his talk we as missionaries hear in the MTC, "[We all] must spend a few moments in Gethsemane."

These past weeks I feel as though I "[spent] a few moments in Gethsemane." But the clouds are beginning to part and the Son is still there. I love the Gospel.

Here's another riddle for you all. If these riddles bother you and you can't figure them out then it's just more incentive to come and talk to me so we can catch up. I like blogging and everything but life is about physical relationships, not digital. Oh! And texting doesn't count. :)P Anyways!

Riddle: I've really enjoyed 0 in 30,000 odds lately but I'm not sure if 1 in 15,000 odds is better or worse. I could soon find myself to be the happiest man alive. ;) Good Luck!

Ciao for Now!

16 Minutes to Bed

2009-10-15T22:44:00.001-07:00

Fill in:

I think I have become the next Genghis Kahn. I'm pretty sure. A few more steps left to make sure but I'm pretty sure. ;) Matt, well done. You've become my new favorite person.

Other things:

I've been learning Stop This Train by John Mayer on the guitar. It's not as hard as I thought. In fact... I've quite nearly got it. A few more transitions and it should be ready for the acoustic night my ward's having this Sunday. I'm hoping with a combination of that and Playing Favorites with Clark I'll be "that guy" for a night.

Things have happened this week that have opened my eyes. More on that soon.

Life is good... no... life is great!

Au revoir.

9 Minutes

2009-10-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in the RB, should be working on homework, but as usual I cannot focus. So... I'm here... blogging.... yay...

Okay, recap on what's been happening in the past... well... three days?

Sunday, Mario and I have been discussing starting a Sunday Dessert night for ages now. Well, we hadn't really solidified anything until Mario suddenly came home from Vegas at 5:30 to say that we were in fact having dessert night that night. "AGH!"

Well, 6:00 hits and we all run to Priesthood meeting. (Which was freaking intense. Talk about a pulpit pound on pornography. Wow.) Well, it's 7:30 and the only people that know we're having dessert night is Mario and I. I'm thinking to myself, "We've gotta figure out some way to get the word out and fast." Then it hits me. A superb idea.

Side note: I find my greatest ideas come to me in Tidal Waves. They are never planned, never extremely sought for, they just hit out of nowhere. Thus was this idea.

So here's what we did:

Ward prayer started and I was as nervous as a puppy about to see the vet. Ward prayer starts and basically finishes. (We didn't want to introduce our stuff during or before. Thought it a little irreverent.) I hop up on the soap box after it's all finished and get everyone's attention. Mario and I are in jackets and looking strangely similar. I say, "Hey everyone. We've actually got one more announcement. It's a new activity that we are going to be hosting every Sunday. Mario, take it away."

"Right Josh, what we're going to be doing is having Foreign Dessert Night every Sunday over at La Casa. We will be shipping in from different nations and various foreign cities desserts of interest that you just can't find here in Provo."

"That's right Mario! And now... let us introduce tonight's dessert..."

Mario and I turn around, putting our backs to the crowd, unzip our jackets stripping them off, placing Fidoras on our heads and spin around. We're wearing 1920's gangsta clothing. I flip out a remote and hit play. Music cues to "New York New York" by Frank Sinatra as I say "All the way from New York City, this very evening over at La Casa we have brought to you a very delectable treat! And what might that treat be Mario?"

"Well Josh, this treat, all the way from New York, is called Chocolate Blackout Cake from Serendipity." He explains a bit more about the cake and then I stop the music and we close by singing "It's up to you, New York, NEW YOOOORK!!!"

The ward went nuts...

As for the actually event, the cake was amazing, there were so many people there that I could barely hear myself think. It was awesome.

Other news. I have a riddle. I bet Matt Chandler is the only one that could have any hope of getting it however. (Good Luck Matt) It explains a bit more of what is potentially happening in my life as of last night. Here's the riddle:

Last night I quite nearly became the newest Genghis Khan...

*Good Luck*

Cheers!

I was born for this!

2009-10-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

If any of you have any amount of free time lemme introduce you to one of the best shows to hit the telly in a while!

Glee!

I LOVE this show! Better than ANY show currently on the boob tube right now I might argue. [Though I'm sure that that comment will get mixed results. ;)]

Alright, so I'm a little biased having been in a Show Choir through High School that was... quite similar to what this is like. Frighteningly close. :S

If you have any appreciation for singing, dancing, acting and all that jazz then you'll love this show!

[I might add my own censor here though: Episode two, there is a song you may want to just skip. It's the one they sing at the assembly. Let's just say it's a little excessive. Hey, it's TV. It's bound to have junk in it still. ;)]

AND I've had a thought....

I'm thinking I might be dropping out of Ballroom... I am realizing that I love performing and Ballroom just... doesn't do enough of that for me unless you're on Tour. SO... I'm thinking of following in Summerisa's wonderful footsteps and trying out for The Young Ambassadors. AGH! I know! I'm crazy. It would be more work than anything but the experience would be A...W...E...S...O...M...E...

And P.S. Clark Knowlton once said, "You know Josh. Dating is either feast or famine it seems." Something like that. Well... lemme just say this... "Hello Thanksgiving!" ;)

This might be difficult:

2009-10-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

... 'nuff said ...

GENIUS!!!!!

2009-10-02T12:02:00.001-07:00

I just came up with the best blog EVER! And I think it might be... risky to make. Actually, I'm pretty certain that such a blog exists somewhere already. If it doesn't I'm surprised.

It's going to be sooooo great! Comparable to Letters to Crushes and such.

More to come as I start putting it together!

BE excited!

Irony. Where is thy sting!?

2009-09-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

**Warning: For those of you with weak constitutions... you may not want to read this...**

I was sitting there in the Benson yesterday working on Calculus. I got some help from Katie for a few minutes. Kind of funny. We both had no clue as to what to do on a few of the problems. Felt like old times...

Well, she left. I felt like crap. (Seems to be a common occurrence as of late.)

So I sat there struggling to stay focused and work on Calculus. The hour came for the devotional to start and I sat there wondering if she'd come back... hoping she'd come back, desperately hoping. So I put my head down and accepted the truth; she wasn't coming back.

Looking down I see girl shoes standing next to me. "Katie?" my heart asks as I look up. Nope.

"Can I sit by you?" she asks.

"Absolutely," I say. She was really cute. "My name's Josh. What's yours?"

"...Katie..."

.... I nearly burst out laughing. Quite. Nearly. We talked and it was a sigh of relief from a troubled heart.

Tender Mercies

2009-09-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

Stuff I'm grateful for:
- Awesome teachers that make you laugh till you cry.
- Awesome friends that make you smile and then laugh till you cry.
- Dance routines that make you forget about your troubles.
- Awesome wingmen. (Miss you Alex)
- Wendy's, which is awesome!
- Blogging
- Rock Band
- Music. Oh my gosh. Music * 2... Music * Music... Music^2... same thing... okay, Music^! (Not sure if that is mathmatically allowed.) haha! Music^MUSIC!!!!! (If you can't tell, I took a Calculus test today...)
- The Gospel
- My Field Assistant
- Jod, Brown Eyed Girl, and Superman
- Prayer
- Functioning computer systems that finally allow us to fully enforce BYU lots. Hallelujah. Sorry World. It's gonna be raining tickets soon. ... :S Please don't hate me....
- Peace
- Beautiful mountains
- Fruit snacks
- and random encounters with the mystery girl at the testing center.

when other sources cease

2009-09-27T17:44:00.000-07:00

.... Hello world ....

It's me again...

I really... need... your help right now...

Sincerely,

Melancholy Me

Us or the Hatchet

2009-09-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, I decided that I needed to post something that was more peppy than a near death car accident post. *Bleh*

How bout this?

I think that everyone should go right now to Katie's blog and tell her that she's awesome (b/c she is!). She was having a bit of a rough day this morning.

Can't Sleep

2009-09-24T01:51:00.001-07:00

It's nearly 3 am... so why am I up? Well, there I lay, dreaming about calculus and frustrated to no end because I couldn't simplify this equation any farther when I hear this *WHAM WHAM WHAM!* followed by cursing.

"Why am I cursing in my dreams?" I thought to myself. Then I woke up. There's some kid stomping around outside our house cursing at the sky and there's a blonde girl standing and watching. "Dumb kids" I think to myself. And I roll over. I lay there trying to fall back asleep but realize I need to use the restroom.

Moving towards the bathroom I glance out the bathroom window to see the reason for this kid's frustrations. There's a car lying on it's side sitting a stone's throw from my house. Glass everywhere. There's a group of kids gathered and they are repeatedly climbing in and out of the over turned vehicle.

"Do I call the police? Where are the police? Surely someone has already called? Is there still someone pinned inside the car?"

After what seems like a lifetime a patrol car pulls up. He walks out and says, "Well that looks like a smart choice."

All in all, I'm really confused but I can gather that no one was hurt. Though I will say that this experience has taken me back to one of my own. I too managed to flip and roll, end over end, a car, to come resting upside down.

The sound of metal as it begins to twist and deform will forever reverb in my ears. A picture has been forever engraved upon my mind: a slow, surreal movement of tiny white lines being etched across a glass windshield; like an interpretive dance of a hundred ballerinas that leave traces upon a glass floor; the slow movement of a thousand glass projectiles twisting and turning in front of my face as though I were suspended in zero-gravity space.

They are towing away the car now, and with it, the uneasiness and realistically close feelings to my own experience.

Go back to bed Josh.

Sleep peacefully.

Wish List

2009-09-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

I wish:
- I had a million bucks.
- I had a nice car.
- I was more intelligent.
- I understood myself better.
- I were more spiritually in tune.
- I didn't worry so much.
- I had more time.
- I didn't have to work 20 hrs a week while going to school.
- I had remembered to check my HW assignment so I could have gotten partial credit. (Dangit...)

BUT

I'm grateful:
- for being here @ BYU.
- for being as smart as I am.
- for great friends.
- for a wonderful family.
- for the Gospel.
- for a patient Father.
- for Katie.
- for my job.
- for dance.
- for music.... times 1 million....
- for beautiful weather.
- for an awesome Bishop.

Fireflies

2009-09-18T23:48:00.000-07:00

Brandon's right. I'm blue. Which just might, most definitely does, have two meanings.

My personality is one that thrives on the connections with others. Emily Anderson said that she saw me as a person that defines who I am based strongly upon my relationships. I've thought about those words over and over and over again. I'm not really sure how to feel about it. Sounds more like a weakness if you ask me.

But, I am a blue nonetheless and relationships are... everything for me. I wish I could turn it off sometimes. For in my hunger for love I fear I drive it further from me... ... ...

... Forgive me... ... ... ...please... ... ... I miss you... ... ...

Please Don't Go by Barcelona

2009-09-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

All those arrows you threw, you threw them away
You kept falling in love, then one day
When you fell, you fell towards me
When you crashed in the clouds, you found me

Oh, please don’t go
I want you so
I can’t let go
For I lose control

Get these left handed lovers out of your way
They look hopeful but you, you should not stay
If you want me to break down and give you the keys
I can do that but I can’t let you leave

Oh, please don’t go
I want you so
I can’t let go
For I lose control